Ultimately Delusionless – I’ll be “the other woman” for a long time.

7 Sep

Last night I went out with a girlfriend from real life. A girl who I respect but who holds Jesus in a high place in her heart and life.
I finally brought up what I do for a living.

I said, “You know the story about Jesus where they throw stones at the woman? I am that woman!”
She knew, she understood, no further explanation required.

During our evening however, I couldn’t help but notice how she talked about relationships.
She spoke of a fellow up north who, at one time, felt a certain spark for her.
This spark happened right about the time he met another girl, Hannah.
He just got married to Hannah, and she stayed in his house one week post-wedding.
and had to hear about the wedding the whole god-damn time.

Then there’s the fellow that she fell for overseas.
She went all the way to Europe for this fellow,
only to have him ditch her mid-way through the trip.

Most prevalent in her heart and mind is a guy she is seeing currently – somebody who is upper echelon crispy crust in the art scene.

She told of how she is the gal who is always there for him, yet she never manages to be his girlfriend.
The essential attraction isn’t there so she thinks she will never manage to be that girl.

All I could think was,
“The essential attraction is all I have with Mr. Wrong, and somehow I feel like I have all I need.”

Brotheling has woken me up to what every guy is all about.
I know their story immediately.
I know that as much as the majority of 20-somethings SAY they are in it for the relationship…
But Brotheling has taught me that SEX is the driving factor, not a relationship.
Sex drives their relationships.

I’ve sat and listened to men tell me
“I just enjoy your company.”
“I consider you one of my closest friends, I like the time we spend together.”

After a year of my job…you know the truth. You know that SEX is causing them to spew such mushy banter.
You know that sex fuels their attachment.
Sex fuels their desire to see you or call you incessantly.
Sex drives them to go to a store and buy you a wedding ring.

I see my friend fawn over these men,
and I see how these men deceive her.
I realize they ditch her when they know that sex is not an option.
Strip away delusions, and the reality that most 20 something men
don’t have the wallet in this economy to afford a traditional courtship and relationship.
You realize you’d be saving yourself miles of heartache by acknowledging one simple truth:

Sex is the beginning and end of what most men have to offer.
Sex is their universal truth.
Sex is their language.
Sex is their art.
Acknowledge that a man is a master of sex,
and you have crowned him the reigning king of his world.

Used to, I could live in delusion:

The idea that I would one day marry a guy that I was fawning over
The idea that he could be “The One.”
The notion that I could take a Mr. Wrong, and turn him into Mr. Right
The fantasy that because we’re having sex, that means a man is under my spell….
That being under my spell means he will make changes for me that he didn’t for other women.

How those fantasies have faded.
I’m not saying that Brothel Babe no longer feels like “Super Hooka!”
I can be the sex therapist for people who WANT to make changes in their lives.

Something about this job tho – the rapid succession of men going in and out of that door. You learn who wants to make growth and change a priority, and who is happy exactly the way they are.

You quickly realize who makes empty promises, and who does what they say they will.

It’s brought so much into focus regarding my relations with Mr. Wrong.

First off, in a sense it’s almost better that he is “Mr. Wrong.” There’s possibility in Mr. Wrong, but by admitting he’s Mr. Wrong, its my way of saying to the universe, “Hey, I’m not gonna get my head wrapped around this guy, projecting futures with him over fantasies that will never happen.” I view a relationship as a fantasy that can’t happen. When I think of the emotional ups and downs with my ex boyfriend….just this past couple of months has been the first time(s) I’ve been at work and saying to myself, “OH MY GOD, I’M NOT FIGHTING WITH ANYONE, WHAT DO I DO?”

You don’t realize how much stress the wrong Mr. Wrong can add to your life, until you get the right Mr. Wrong, who’s no trouble at all.

Simply put: A guy who wants to be our Mr. Right…RIGHT NOW, when you still have 5 years of intense career pursuit to do…he’s still your Mr. Wrong,
no matter how perfect he tries to make himself in your eyes.

The right Mr. Wrong is the guy who’s willing to stay “just wrong enough” for a while.
Wrong enough so you won’t be demanding of his time,
wrong enough so you can stand time apart without it tearing you up inside,
wrong enough that pursuing your own stability is more important than pinning him down.

After all, the right Mr. Wrong isn’t going to be the asshole that makes over his life overnight, expecting you to jump over to his side of the fence before you’ve grown anything in your own garden.

This is where the fantasy breaks down. The reality of the situation is that Mr. Wrong probably doesn’t care about any of those things….your goals, your dreams, whether or not you achieve them. I read a quote about men and falling in love…something like, “A guy might be into you, but he still probably loves his dog more.” If you have to make up some fantasy in your head about how right somebody is for you….he’s not your guy.

I figure, real women start off assuming that every fling and every cutie is a Mr. Right.
Since my year of brotheling, my thinking has reversed:

I now start off with a level playing field – every guy guy starts off as my Mr. Wrong. No man is more right for me than the other.
The only way that a man can possibly become a Mr. Right is by building a foundation from the bottom up.
Nobody gets more bonus points because I favor them more.
Whether you are 50 lbs heavy, or 50 grand in the hole, no man is more righteous – because the man who might be 50 lbs heavy,
and 50 grand in the hole, could somehow rise to the occasion when he gets tired of being Mr. Wrong.
Your “fake Mr. Right” however, could get sick of playing the role, and 10 years from now, HE could be the guy that’s 50 lbs overweight, and 50 lbs in the hole.
You think guys have control over their destiny, but there’s really no way to know any man’s destiny.
It’s up to MAN, not woman, to choose his own adventure.
By assuming a man is wrong for you, and don’t push him into being right…
You are GIVING HIM the greatest gift – the opportunity to BE the right man for you.
The 2nd greatest gift you give, is the chance to LET HIM DO THE WORK HIMSELF.
Most women never give men this precious gift.


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