Dear 2nd guy I ever dated….

4 Oct

Dear 2nd guy I ever dated,

After I emailed a select few of my friends notifying them about my blog, welcoming them to read this blog and offer their feedback, you wrote back with this:
“Dude your blog seems really depressing!!! I dunno what to say!”

I’m surprised you call my blog depressing and see it as some big surprise of character, since you’ve heard about nearly every conquest I’ve had since the age of 15.

You were there when a friend of yours gave me furry handcuffs for my 16th Birthday.

You witnessed how much I adored them.

You even heard two months later about how my first attempts at video directing were to make a mock sex infomercial with my then 15 year old girlfriend, and I sluttified her with a halter top and sex hair as she as she made a very sensual presentation of all my sex toys and lubes.

I’m surprised you call my blog depressing, cuz you shoulda seen my jaunt into the sex industry coming years ago.

Maybe whats more depressing is that in the last year, I don’t call you up for advice any more to wonder what the hell a guy means when he says “x”, or what I should do about some tricky awkward situation.

I don’t call you because my job as a whore in a brothel has done more for me than any guys advice could ever do:
It’s given me a glimpse into the darker side of the inner workings of the male mind.

I don’t ask for advice, because I know that 99% of the stories guys tell to get laid are all bullshit.
I don’t ask for advice because, I don’t need your advice.

Because of this job I found out…I just like getting laid.

And now I’m the one who’s giving my GFs advice. Instead of sugarcoating things, I’m not afraid to tell my GF’s when somebody is just a shitfaced liar. TADAAAA!

Sure, you might be bemoaning the fact that this job doesn’t make as much money as I thought it would.

Or while you’re sitting in the mall working part time at some geek store…I’m laying around half naked in fishnets laughing with my girlfriends.

“Oops! I see a nipple! Better cover it up.”
“Watch you practice the Carmen Electra Booty Shake? Oh, the suffering.”
“Oh no, her pussy peeked out while she was pole dancing!”
“Woops, I just had an orgasm.”

GOD THIS JOB IS TERRIBLE.

Or maybe you are really bemoaning the fact even in a brothel where money talks…I’m probably still too expensive for you.

You might be depressed about the fact that beautiful women have a niche for themselves in the sex industry……

…..while perhaps the only place for guys with you who have 8 inch dicks, is in gay porn.

Let me say that I was MORE DEPRESSED to see you looking all dapper in some new facebook photos of you, to find out that you have proposed to your girlfriend of four years, who ranks 5 on the attractiveness scale….when you probably deserve a girl who is a 7 or an 8.

The girlfriend who moved 6 hours away to live with her parents…instead of continuing to co-habitate with you.

The girl who….because she lived with her parents, decided that when you come to visit, the two of you should stop having sex.

And when you did have sex, she could only do it for a couple of minutes, because for some strange reason, things down below weren’t working!

You call my job depressing,
I call your engagement to the girl that I KNOW you aren’t that into, even more depressing.

Just because you are 30 doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel.

So I’m sorry, 2nd guy I ever dated, that my blog depresses you.

I call the learning experience of working here, anything BUT depressing.
I know the extent of how much power a woman’s sexuality holds.
Before this, I never knew.

Now that I know, I can take on the world.

Sincerely,
Brothel Babe

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