How to keep a Ho – A Complete Guide (Part 2 of the weekend Trifecta.)

23 Oct

NOTE: This is post 2 out of 3 in the Whore Holy Grail…..Brothel Babe’s Trifecta, the Weekend Edition. Tomorrow I’m talking about the L-Bomb.  Just to let you know, I have been stalked by my adoring fans all weekend. In addition to all of the attention making me want to curl up in a ball and vomit, its also making me stick to my guns with my “weekend trifecta” plan.  And to the douche who told me he didn’t believe that I was ever real whore and I write fiction….I’m going to SCAN A COPY of my whore license and SCAN COPIES of my whore paperwork, and UPLOAD my PHOTOS of me in my HO OUTFITS,  just to shut your mouth.

Ok, I’m done.

I’m going to go buy the Wristcutters: A Love Story DVD now. Happy Sunday.

THE HUMOROUS SIDE:

– A gifting of Bad Taste Bears are acceptable. (Pictured above.)

– Soft stubble is acceptable and trimmed pubes over shaven. Just sayin.

-Open two way discussion of chicks you think are hot. One straight man crush is also acceptable.

-Never playing the victim, the lonely card, the pity card, or the nice guy card, EVER. The best game is No Game. JUST BE YOU.

– An admitted love of porn. Having a favorite Gods Girl or Suicide Girl Model is fucking rad. If your favorite porno girl has fake tits, lets hope her doc did a good job.
(If her boobs look like they could be popped with a pin, that is not a “good job.” )

– Hi Tech non-latex condoms such as Lifestyles Skyns –OR– (see below)

– A fucking glowing copy of your STD blood test results, pasted on your fridge to prove you tested clean. Bring it to your 3rd date if you are feeling ballsy.

– Judd Apatow films

-Dirty hop hop, Salt N’ Pepa, ghetto or 90s booty music, of any kind, to be shared when the proper occasion arrives. The proper occasion to bust out such jams is in
your living room. This kind of music makes a Ho feel nostalgic.

– Some goddamn confidence! If you are awesome at something, boast that shit.

– Be able to share at least ONE crazy sex story in detail without naming names. Its Aural Sex: The secret to getting below a Ho’s waist can be through her ears.

-Easy with the nipples. You can fuck her hard, but don’t go hard on the nipples. If you do, a flood of nipple trauma memories will come flooding to her brain. Be gentle, and this won’t happen.

– Whisper her name. She’s probably used to hearing a different name at work. Use her real name, and you’ll remind her where she is. It will make her happy.

-Make a special sexy music mix that is reflective of your personality. Men with unique tastes are sexy….don’t be afraid to sprinkle the mix with some of your favorite “Guilty Pleasure” music.

-Be able to talk openly and honestly about ONE girl from your past. We don’t need (or want!) the whole history book. Ho’s hear about women from a man’s past all the time. Your ability to talk candidly about one woman you loved greatly shows much about a man’s character.

– NEVER call her by her Ho name.

– Do not suggest pimp n’ ho costumes for Halloween

– To be a good Pimp, a good Pimp will never lend out his favorite Ho. You can share her on a non-sexual level, but always ask.

– NEVER look in her eyes longingly while saying in an iffy tone, “I think I’m falling for you.” while glancing back to see if she returns the favor. It’s a pussy move only attempted by weaklings.

A confident man knows his Ho loves him, without having to ask for her approval.

She’s seen this a jillion times before. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a wimp, or a guy who plays strong but suddenly gets wimpy about his love for a real woman.

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