DICKWAD OF THE WEEK AWARD (Captain Asshole vs. Zombies Edition.)

6 Nov


Wouldn’t you know.

No less than 24 hours after I hang out with Max, I get a text from the illustrious Mr. X himself.

Mr X: Want to go for a drink?
Me: Were your ears burning?
Him: Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out.
Me: Mmm….I don’t have the resistance to say no. So. No.

I tell him, “Hey uhh…you think you could manage not to tell any more of our friends that I’m a ho, you asshole?”

He says, “you got it.”

Cool. Glad I cleared that one out of the way.
He’ll keep telling people but, whatever.

He asks,
“So why don’t you want to hang out? Are you pissed at me?”

I say, “No. I love you and you know that.”

So he says, “Then lets hang out.”
I say,
“I’m in my PJ’s and broke and blahblahblah.”

He says,
“I’ll buy you a drink.
C’mon Cutie Pie lets go.”

CUTIE PIE?!!
W T F.

“Where did my asshole friend go?” I asked him.

He says, “Far far away.”

Reluctantly….I ask where he and his friends from work are planning on going.

He says, “Where do YOU want to go?”

I say: “Seriously, is this some kind of cruel joke or something? Where is my old friend. wtf.”

Somethings not right!
My gut tells me so!

I text Max and say,
“Did you tell Mr. X that we hung out? yes/no?”

Lo and behold – they talked earlier in the day.

Looks like CAPTAIN ASSHOLE (aka Mr. X) is trying to swoop in on Max’s game.

You know, Mr. X, if I was a Pickup Artist, I would thank you for doing me a favor.

You just propelled me past the “Competition Phase” of dating, and we could argue that I now get to choose my proper suitor.

UNFORTUNATELY I don’t give A SHIT about any of that stuff, because I’m a Zombie Princess, Captain Asshole, and all I care about is BRAINS!!!!

Whahahahahahahahahaha!
You are NO MATCH FOR ME, Mr. X!
I saw right through your foolish folly!

I inflict my Atomic Nipple Ray Gun upon you!
Melting your evil-doing Dickwad self until your two braincells have been condensed like canned milk and have become suitable for my consumption!

Max and I will ride his Dick shaped rocket, off into the sunset!
We will use your entrails as streamers, as a fiery signal to all that CAPTAIN ASSHOLE has been DEFEATED, and Mr. X is NO MORE!

There will be happiness throughout the Whorish Land!
We will celebrate to all mankind by making every day Steak and Knobber Day,
and we will give blow jobs with after-dinner mints.
We will celebrate with fruit roll-up underwear,
and candy necklace garter belts.

We will celebrate with mutual masturbation,
and with glow-in-the-dark live dildo shows.

We will decorate our Christmas trees with Cherry-flavored condoms,
and Penis-shaped holiday lights.

We will hang our shiniest sequined bikinis in our Brothel windows as a glittering symbol to the sex-long people:

That you may disrespect a whore,
but you cannot defeat the reigning ZOMBIE PRINCESS, aka BROTHEL BABE.

Ok.
Enough of that.
Only time will tell what Max has to offer in terms of brains.
But….Mr. X, with your unfortunate Captain Asshole alter go….
I only have one word of advice for you Mr. X’s across the land: Don’t use words like “Cutie Pie.”

A smart chick will know you are up to something.
In fact, maybe study the Pick up Artist website included above, so at least you can get laid.

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