And I thought I was bitchy…..

9 Nov

When you log into wordpress they have these collections of posts that have gotten a lot of buzz throughout the day.
I found one called “Frankly, I do give a damn: Confessions of a love addict.”

Its funny – I’m a whore who hardly works in a brothel.
She’s probably a love addict who hardly falls in love.

Her post is here:

While I did sort of agree slightly when she was talking about the whole insecure thing
(I get a little insecure when I really like somebody. Mainly because I want them to like me back…who doesn’t?)

I chuckled under my breath when she said, “Well what if they can’t handle me at my best?”
As secretly, my cockiest of selves wonders if that is the case.

I got to THIS BEAST OF A LIST and went, “oh jesus fucking christ. No wonder men are scared to date women.
They are all scared girls will turn into this monster who wants it her fucking way or no way at all.”

Why don’t you grab an ice pick and drain his ballsack?

Just for fun, I’m going to cut and paste her list here and post my comparisons below.

-If you say you’re going to call, then call. If you say you’re going to text, then text. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. I’m not your mother or personal assistant. Stay true to your word and don’t make me remind you.

Get a life. Get busy, go hang out with friends.
A guy told me, “I’ll call tomorrow” once, and it took two weeks.
Because he lost his job.
I did not contact him at all during this time just to see what would happen and wouldn’t you know, the guy texted me back.
Men are slow to realize women are awesome, and before that time, they’re testing you to make sure you’re not an overbearing bitch. Pass their tests. Duh.

-I like wearing high heels. Wait, I love wearing high heels. If this means you have to walk slower, that’s just how it is. I’m a girly-girl and I make no excuses for it.
Guys should always walk slow with a lady they like. Most guys intuitively know to walk slower with a girl in heels. Maybe you should try slowing down without saying anything, and see if they do too. Or hold their hand, and then they have to walk as slow as you! Brilliant! Or just tell him, while you’re walking. I’ll tell a long legged guy that, no problem.

-I wear makeup. When you kiss me or hug me, it may get on you. I don’t think that’s a bad trade for getting to touch my body or my lips. If you do, move on.
When it comes to makeup on clothes, I always try to leave a guy in the condition I found him. Learn to hug your men better, and you can avoid this problem.

-If I say I don’t care where we go for dinner, I don’t. Make a decision.
Oh baby baby baby – your man wants nothing more than to please you. Of course you care baby doll. If you are hungry for Thai, say Thai. If you know a little place, suggest it.
If you don’t care, you must have no tastebuds….all men know women get cravings for stuff. But….guys like to plan. So if you want him to pick it can’t be all “off the cuff.” it has to be like, two days in advance.

-Drinks are not a date to me. Drinks are hanging out. If you want to ask me on a date, be more creative.

FUCK. You’re a bitch! I love getting drunk with boys. Particularly afterwards when you are too drunk to drive, and you sit in your car, just talking.
That stuff hails as some of my most favorite stuffs. Drunken conversation – because guys will tell you shit when they are drunk and they will open themselves up to you in ways that they may not do while they are sober. Its one of life’s blessings. If a guy was my boyfriend…I would want him to plan a creative date or two, and I would tell him so, but the first five dates? No better way to get to know a guy. Really. Guys love drunk chicks. If you can’t be one ever, you’re too much of a hard-ass.

-I will compliment you and try and help you work through your problems. I will not support a whiny, depressed funk for very long. Learn how to take care of yourself.
OH BOY. Guys don’t want help with their problems. Let them solve their own damn problems unless they specifically ask for your advice. If its a platonic guy friend you can jog his brain with ideas. This economy blows – you bitch! I support all my friends during this rough economic time. If someone is a little bummed that their future is unstable, I am ok with that, and I know how they feel. Show a little sympathy. A little goes a long way.

-I may not agree with your viewpoints, but have them. No, it’s not okay for you to be okay with everything. The best of life comes from passion.
I agree about passion but…have you ever dated a yes man? It ultimately may not last when you get bored with the way he isn’t passionate about stuff, but dating a yes man = your way all the time! It’s fun for a little while. Maybe try it out.

-I don’t want to hear that you don’t like your job or your career. You’re a grown-up and have the ability to change it. Life is too short to go to a place you hate every single day.
Oh man. I don’t like my job but I am picky about choosing a 2nd option. If he’s being choosy, let him go over options with you. I tore a guy a new asshole when he said he didn’t like his job of 10 years. Tard, time to switch.

-I’d prefer not to know your ex-girlfriend’s name. If you feel the need to bring her up or reference to her, then maybe you should give her a call.

Lack confidence much? Man. If he shared stuff with a girl or co-habitated…bringing up an exes name = a fact of life. I will talk candidly about an ex to talk about what I learned from them. Or problems we had. So I can sort of improve in those areas.

-I don’t mind watching sports and drinking beer with you sometimes. That doesn’t mean I want to do it every single Monday night.

Where in the dating bible does it say that the GF hangs out at the BF’s house every fucking night? OH WAIT IT DOESN’T, YOU JUST MOVED ALL YOUR SHIT IN AND MADE LIKE YOU LIVED THERE, DIDN’T YOU? Why not go hang out with your mom on monday nites, or get dinner with your girlfriend? That’s what I do. Men love football, don’t deny them football, and my man won’t deny me my figure skating. Its filed under “sacred Man’s Man rituals” and shouldn’t be messed with if he genuinely likes football .

-The hard work I put into my figure has nothing to do with you. Running is for me, so stop telling me to run for you.
Uhhhhhhhhh….why is your figure much of a topic of conversation? I tell people I vomit. Its amazing, nobody gives me shit about how I might have an eating disorder, because I don’t make having an eating disorder an “option.” Don’t make having body issues an “option” and no one will bring it up. If he’s encouraging you to get skinny for him, he’s a douche who should be dumped. If he wants to get healthy together, that’s what happy couples do. If he wants you to run for him…consider that he might want you to live a long time and loves you.

-I’m a journalist. This means I like questions and I like answers. If you feel interrogated, maybe you should have a stronger back bone.
Guys like to have an air of mystery. Guys don’t have to answer everything. Guys are allowed to keep their secrets.
If a man loves you, he will tell you his biggest secrets.

-I expect you to remember things that are important to me because I’ll always do the same for you. If I say something is special to me, please don’t disregard it.
Hmm….my own father was the most absent minded professor on the planet and while he never forgot things like birthdays, he would tend to buy the wrong items at the grocery store. Some absent minded men have huge hearts. Sometimes it helps to be flexible.

-I need at least 24-hours notice before hanging out with you most of the time. Sometimes, I’m okay with spontaneity but my days are packed, and if I’ve deemed you someone I want to hang out with, please be reliable. Man. I love spur of the moment stuff. Guys like when girls do planning. Girls are typically orchestrators of plans. So if you plan a group outing, he’ll probably say yes, and he’ll probably be all for it. YOU WIN!

-Yes, my last name is Tigar. You don’t need to growl at me or sing “Eye of the Tiger” to me. It’s okay.
Any time anybody wants to serenade me, I never deny them of that joy.

-Most of the time, I’m very happy, optimistic, bubbly, and full of energy. If you’re not like this, or if you don’t like this type of personality, then ta-ta.
Where is the yin to the hang? Not everybody is like, “Whoo yea coffee crack go go go!” all the time. Secretly the guy could be an animal in bed and make you cum 20 times in a row. You COULD be missing out. I’ve been told to calm down before. My industry tends to make me an overbearing person. I trust when somebody lets me know when I’m being too rambunctious and need to take it down a notch or two. Especially if my mother tells me. Maybe being a journalist made you too much of a hard-ass.

-I’m not incredibly tidy, but I will try to be if I’m in your space. If you scold me for it more than once, I’m done.
Is it really that hard to pick up your laundry off the floor and not move the fuck in?
I think you are allowed in “New BF GF land”….
Lip balm on the nightstand…
Say…a max of five items hanging in his closet….(the components for two “outfits”)
Pajamas in a drawer with a hoodie….
A toothbrush.

Then as it advances maybe you have:

– A drawer with your shit in it, in the bathroom,
– A drawer with your shit in it in the bedroom…

– Your snackfoods in a drawer in his fridge.

But I tell you – even if I have been dating for more than a year,
I NEVER leave my makeup shit out
or my clothing and shit out.
I don’t leave my clothing strewn about unless we just fucked and its on the floor.

If we’ve been dating more than a year, I might leave out a pair of shoes.
Or a jacket in his living room.
But I don’t put all my shit everywhere.
I try to make things look transparent for the most part,
like I’m not really there,
because it’s still his space.
Not mine.

If you wanna move in together, talk about moving in together like fucking adults, but DO NOT MOVE ALL YOUR SHIT IN. Big no no.

-I need girl time and me time. And I don’t need to see you every single second of every single day, but I need to know you’re there.
Try just being gone and wait for him to call you and wonder where you are. That’s fun! Go on trips! That’s fun. Leave town without him! That’s fun.

-If you need an instructional manual to my body, I think we should see other people. Yes, every union is different, but if you can’t kiss at this age, I’m not interested.
Yea…guys should know how to kiss….I’m a sucker for that.
But if a guy doesn’t know how to go down on a girl and he is 30 or younger,
I will give him a book called “She comes Next.” I’ve turned a couple boyfriends into oral sex champions with that book.

-I was raised as a lady and I expect you to treat me that way. Open doors. Mind your P’s & Q’s. I will do the same.
I’m down with door opening. But I like to get dirty in the bedroom. Is role playing out or…?

-No, it’s not okay that you cancel plans an hour before we’re supposed to have them. That’s rude.
Snap. Agreed. Unless its deadline related. Ouch.


Really? Isn’t this a given? If you can’t handle the smell of your guys sweat on a hot day, you’re with the wrong guy. You oughta like the smell of his sweat, really.

I promise I’m really a sweet, generous person, but I also need to embrace and enforce my values. I realize that everyone puts their best face first when they are starting to see someone, but being up front about who you are and what you need – is so important. Because if someone can’t put up with me or fall for me when I’m being myself, they aren’t the person that I’m meant for. You want a dude who decides RIGHT NOW whether or not he has “fallen.” Dudes take longer than that. And some guys don’t “fall.” Some guys realize later, “oh shit I am in love with this girl.” Accept that not everyone knows what they want right away…some take time figuring it out as they go. If you can’t enjoy patience and the pleasantries of taking it slow with someone, you are with the wrong guy, or don’t have enough hobbies.


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