Face/no face, voice/no voice

21 Nov

There is a mini debate between….

Me and my “Manager” (I shall call him that, he keeps me up when I am down.)
Me and my Mom (who was at one time, my other manager.)
Me and another adult entertainer….
Me and my acquaintances….my colleagues, my co-workers…my fellow artists who know I ho and brothel for a living….

The question is:
Should I do my best to stay hidden,
or should I show my face to the world?

Should I reveal the truth myself,
or should I wait for people to find me?

The opinions vary.
I’m grown up enough that I don’t have to “seek the opinion I want” in order to get approval to do what I want to do. I don’t KNOW what I want to do in this matter. I figure time will reveal the answer on its own.

I figure I must be GETTING into all these conversations because the scientist in me wants to work through all the possible outcomes and scenarios, both good and bad.
This way, I can be mentally prepared no matter how things unfold.

A conversation I hold closest to my heart (it currently plays almost daily in my mind)
I imagine myself sitting in front of the love of my life…my future best friend.

I imagine asking:
“If the whole world knew I was a ho, would you still love me?”

Note that the important part is not the “if everyone knew.” – the important part is:

Of course……to be able to have conversations like that,
two people have to admit to loving each other in the first place.

In the most perfect of worlds we could do things backwards (I love to do things backwards!)
and the person who doesn’t even….know ….that I love them…
would magically KNOW I am referring to them in this blog, and without having to have the awkward precursor “relationship” conversation…would say, “Yes I would still love you, even if my mom knew, even if my family knew, even if the whole world knew. “

Then…I imagine the most PAINFUL scenario:
Telling the children I have worked with and been a role model to.

They look me in the eye with all their youth and wonder, asking, “Did you really do those things?”

In that moment, nothing is worse than having to tell my truth to a child.

Or to face the people who have known me since I was born!
My moments of shame.

So that’s the bad stuff.
What’s the good stuff behind door number two?

Behind door number two is the positive thing about what all I could do for humanity if “everyone knew.”

If everyone knew, I could use that celebrity to bring justice to things like…
Sex trafficking.
Child Prostitution.
I could be part of the cooler, younger generation that teaches women how to empower themselves, and how to embrace their own sexuality again.
Like Eve Ensler (Who wrote the Vagina Monologues and speaks out against sex crimes all over the world.)…but even broader than that.

I could get my own fucking reality TV show.
Not the kind where I fuck people on TV.
I’m talkin’ about the kind where I travel to talk personally with Brothel Owners in third world countries and I say….
I could teach the brothel owners, “Hey, you can still make money if you hire 20 and 30 year old women.”

Instead of thinking of it as….devastating to my 10 closest friends…

or the 20 people who looked up to me
Or the 30 people who thought of me differently….

Maybe I could save 50 people.
Or 500 people.

There’s a woman in India who works to save illegal prostitutes.
She gets them out of the brothels and teaches them things like, welding, and carpentry!
She’s saved over 3 THOUSAND PEOPLE.

The problem?
She’s not a celebrity.

So hardly anybody in America knows about Prajwala and the woman who started it…and how many lives she is saving.
We don’t know that this woman (Dr. Sunitha Krishnan) has been in fist fights, has lost hearing in one of her ears, and that one of her volunteers got killed, all in the name of stopping sex trafficking.


We all know who Heidi Fleiss is, but what the fuck is she doing for humanity?
Not a fucking thing.
But I know that she’s got some god-damn memoirs coming out, because I see it on that billboard she has in Pahrump NV.

What you should know about me is this:
I didn’t get into Prostitution because of pleasure.
I got into prostitution because I couldn’t handle the PAIN.
The pain of getting hit on…all the time.

Can you imagine quitting an industry you love more than anything in the world because the emotional upset that sexual harassment caused was so bad that it made me want to quit my art?

Maybe my mission ain’t glamorizing prostitution.
Maybe my mission is to teach sexual harassment seminars to….Artists and Musicians and Rock Stars , all across the world.
Corporate America has probably been to too many sexual harassment seminars. If anything, they are overly sensitive to the matter! Paranoid, even.

The artists of America, however?
We’re about 20-30 years behind from this type of radical social change.
All because we’re too poor to hire people to train us, and teach us how to behave.

On the flip side….I can’t imagine any man I love would mind if my “reputation” took a hit because I wanted save some lives and help some people.
Can’t imagine how that would be possible.

My manager played a little on my heart strings, saying…..”If the book becomes a success, and it will…if everyone finds out who you are…the type of men you will meet from the book’s success is going to be better than whatever options you currently have.”

While I won’t lie…I admitted to him….
my life is in dire need of a social makeover on all sides.
I need better friends…I need happier people in my life….
I could use some better romantic options. Sure.

But…part of me….is unclear, if THIS BOOK is the way to find those people.

I always wanted to be rich enough to be able to fall in love with whoever I wanted, not having any concern for the size of a man’s wallet.
I’d prefer to fall in love for his heart and his mind, hands down.
I don’t want somebody to fall for me because of “Who I am” or “What I do.”

I want to date somebody because of the way he looks at me…because I like the way it makes me feel.
And I’d probably fall in love with somebody because the way he makes me feel never gets old.

Those are all things that pre-date my Whore dreams, by a long time.
Oh, the things we do for love.


5 Responses to “Face/no face, voice/no voice”

  1. Jacob Valentine November 22, 2010 at 1:37 am #

    I fell for a brothel lady, still am fallen for her. I’d shout from the heavens what I feel. No shame, no nothing, we live too long a period in our lives in a reaction to shame or potential shame. Love overcomes all. I firmly believe that, I just hope one day that I can fully express that to her and she feels the same way!

  2. ChicagoBearMan1 November 22, 2010 at 4:03 am #

    That’s a lot of deep material to absorb in one sitting. Yeh, sexual harassment sucks especially if it makes you quit what you love doing. At the same time, I don’t think it takes celebrity to make dramatic change in the world. The movie industry would make a film on someone like that once they get her (Dr.Krishnan) full story. I’m sure they could do that for you too. If you actually have a published book, I’m intrigued to read it. wbs

  3. lodgeroo November 29, 2010 at 2:12 am #


    Sorry if my post appears a little rude on your blog
    I’m Amy and I like this blog. Ok I’m also doing porn and I love it 🙂
    Please feel free to contact me from my twitter page
    where you can follow me on my daily swallows cum diet.

  4. matt December 1, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    makes me want to drink alchoholic beverages


  1. 2010 in review « Brothelbabe's Blog - January 2, 2011

    […] Face/no face, voice/no voice November 20104 comments […]

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