Family Gatherings….when anonymity makes me angry….

27 Nov

Obviously I’m in town for Thanksgiving.
My computer has been having some issues.
I have a young relative who shall remain nameless. He is older but on the inside he is much younger at heart. We tend to butt heads in the way relatives who share DNA often do!

I’m sleeping….relative talks to me – through the door it sounds muffled. Doesn’t knock. I grumble. I don’t say “Come in.” or anything. He just takes it as his cue to open the door.

My laptop is perched on my bed.

He proclaims like the 12 year old he is inside,
“I am going to fix your computer!”
He physically takes it from my hands before I have a chance to do anything.
He says “I’m just going to check this thing!”
Half groggy I say “noooooo!” while I physically try to pull the computer away.

It never dawns on him that there might be something on my laptop that I would want to HIDE from him…and that’s why I’m pulling my laptop back in my direction.
He’s too naive for that.
Instead, he immediately assumes I’m being a bitch and says “Fine, I’m done, I’m not helping!” Like any grown man with the patience of a 12 year old, and the sensitivity of a 6 year old.

My screen was so….MESSY. There was ALL THIS personal shit totally open on my computer.
If he can see the screen, he can see what I’m up to.
I don’t care if he’s too naive to go “snooping” – you can subliminally read that shit. Osmosis. Its real.

Sometimes, you don’t want all of your relatives knowing. Sometimes…a couple is enough.

He storms out all angry.
That’s the fight I have to fight to protect my shit, I guess.

If he was less naive, he would understand, “oh hey, maybe my sister has personal shit on her computer. I will let her clear it out.”

But he doesn’t make assumptions like that.
He might have the computer skills of a grown man, but his people skills got left back in elementary school.
It’s part of his charm, but its very frustrating to deal with sometimes.

Which, on a side note…
My mom sent me this article, that her boyfriend sent her…about whoring.
Its a forwarded message from her boyfriend that says, “Interesting, Timely” in the subject title.

So I write my mom back and say,
“Oh, he knows? Is this your way of letting me know that he knows?”

I guess it is, since she replied saying that she did in fact tell her boyfriend.

So during Thanksgiving I sit down across from him in the living room feeling slightly more awkward and shameful than I did before. The brief moment I did look at him was a little cold…because I’m angry at my mom for telling.

To be honest, I haven’t even TOLD my mom about some online wars that I have been having with some fellow adult entertainers.

The online wars that have caused me to be very drained and tired.
Whatever. It is what it is.

It was funny too….an hour prior to the whole ordeal with me and my giant man-child of a “relative”,
My Aunt and Uncle are talking with both of us about how life is going.
They know I am taking a slight breather from my job up north for the next month or two.

I razz my man-child relative about something.
He’s bugging me because I get sick all the time. He finds it odd that I’m constantly fighting off a bug of some kind.

I’m thinking “oh, if you slept around as much as I did and hung around where they smoke cigs 24/7 and never had any clean air to breathe, you’d be getting sick too.” I’m thinking about how the stress combined with the smoke and drinking and terrible sleep schedule is enough to make anybody’s immune system compromised…aka SICK…OFTEN.

I don’t share this inner dialogue with him….
In stead, I merely razz him back, about how he doesn’t party or get laid or drink or whatever…
How he eats the same things all the time and works the same consistent job and that’s why he’s never ever sick.
He says, “You don’t know what I’m up to, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He shoots back this telling face – as the inner 6 year old in him has this way of revealing ALL SECRETS by his facial expression alone. His facial expression tells me everything: That he’s finally getting laid. That he goes out drinking…but…mostly that he’s getting laid…and is fucking multiple people, and…fucking them often. I’m good at reading my brother’s face like that.

Immediately I feel a sense of barfiness come over me as I imagine him fucking some dudes….nothing wrong with it…but I’ve been suspecting lately that my brother is gay, and hasn’t come out yet. It’s the only way to explain the string of mysterious from his typical tell all, man-child ways.

I’m looking at him thinking,
“I really don’t want to imagine my older brother fucking dudes in the ass….This is a gross mental picture.”

So I don’t push the conversation any further.

Except he says, “besides, what are YOU up to?”

I say, “Trust me, you don’t want to know what I’m up to, really.”

At this point my Aunt and Uncle chime in with these wide eyed expressions and say to my brother,
“Oh, you REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW what your sister is up to. TRUST US.”

See, my Aunt and Uncle are less Naive. They know when I say I’m up to “Ohhh…things” and when I say I have this job “writing….for this website.” – if I’m not saying what it is, it’s likely it has to do with porn, stripping, or sex. They understand that specific mischievous tone that says, “yeah, I’m in the sex industry….” without specifically saying.

When you’ve known a kid her whole life…They’ve come to have that keen deductive reasoning with me. They know, and they think its funny. My brother…….remains clueless, like the 12 year old he is inside. Sigh.


4 Responses to “Family Gatherings….when anonymity makes me angry….”

  1. Lucius Scribbens November 27, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    Ah the laptop. In the business I am in I am technically self-employed, though I am connected to a company through my professional licensing. Therefore, I have to supply my own computer. To keep my worlds separate I use Firefox for my daily use browser and Google Chrome for my private life. I came back to my desk the other day to find a coworker on my laptop, thinking they were doing me a solid, and they had opened Chrome to do this “solid” for me. My homepage is my iGoogle with several of my RSS feeds from various sex and polyamory positive websites. I know they saw it. I’m waiting for the rumors to start flying.

  2. Neo Anderson Of Coarse November 27, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    I say once 1 person knows what you do, it’s usually not long before the whole world knows. And yes I get it that when a person really knows you, they can read their expressions with utter ease.And once you really know a person, you can read there mind also. From a fan. You know me as Neo_Anderson69 on Twitter.anonymity till I really know the person

    • brothelbabe November 27, 2010 at 8:51 pm #

      @Neo – saw your tweet, made me smile. I have a group of people that “know” in my art scene, but – what is weirder is that sometimes I don’t know that they know, and they treat me like they don’t know, and then I have to hear from other friends “so did you know that this person knows?” and then my friends will tell me, “Yea I played like I didn’t know!” So it’s all very hilarious to me.

      I would say there is people knowing, and people treating you differently because of it. If people have treated me differently, I honestly have not noticed, because I have nothing else to compare it with. People already think I’m a fraud anyway, and while there’s a lot of “hearsay” – there’s very few people who can pin the real me to the working girl me, and my brothels of employment. So if I’m a fraud it’s very elaborately staged…and if I’m not who cares, right.

      @Lucius….This is why I clear my history all the time and don’t keep bookmarks of any kind. HAHA. Firefox has a private browsing tool – did you know this? I had a friend who did a biz meeting and typed in something and all these porn sites came up on the projector. Could have been worse!!!!

      • Lucius Scribbens November 28, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

        It does have a private function, but I dont use Firefox for any of my “personal” stuff so that I don’t have to worry about such mishaps. And this is my personal laptop that a coworker got on to without my permission, even if they thought they were doing me a favor.

        Oh well, if it gets out it will just make having to explain who my partner’s are to coworkers at the company Christmas dinner. LOL

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