Dating and Rendezvous

1 Dec

Since I haven’t talked about sex for a little while, lets talk about dating.

Do I date?
No I don’t date.

Why don’t I date?
Because I don’t feel like having meaningless sex.

Am I romantically involved?
Yes. With multiple people.

Who am I involved with?

First off let me say this:
I turn people down all the time.
I turned down 3 dates this week.
I don’t have the heart to say its because I’m simply not that interested, as they are likeable guys.
I’m just…holding out for my heroes.
Just because a guy isn’t a hero in MY eyes, doesn’t mean he won’t be a hero in someone else’s.
Why make a guy feel inferior when you know they are great…but not your type?
I don’t need to be that bitch.

Who I AM involved with:
I’m going to say my involvement consists of a love cocktail of me and maybe four people.

1. BFF
There’s my BFF of 10 years. He just moved back to my hometown after living 3000 miles away for 6 years. It’s weird hanging out with somebody who has known me since pre-puberty. But it’s cool. I’ve never kissed my BFF or fucked my BFF, yet I still call him my BFF.

2. The Muse
There’s this other guy. He’s brilliant. I adore him. He’s my muse. He does not know that he is my muse. He only knows I adore him. We’ve only ever kissed. I find this very frustrating.

3. Bodyguard.
We don’t fuck. Or make out. He’s in love with another chick. But he cares about me, and its fucking awesome having somebody who cares about you.

4. My 6 Year Affair
He lives 20 hours away. We originally met when he was a bartender, and I had a bad injury and was walking gimpy style in my fake ID days. We tend to meet in halfway zones. I never would have thought a person could have an affair that has managed to stay a flickering flame for so long. I always thought he would disappear. Yet we have some super weird connection and sometime last year we finally managed to say “I love you.”
We’ve since moved on to phrases such as “You’re the shit.”
and I say “I luv you, man.”

Our connection is so eerie, that when we both lived in my hometown during my pre-ho days, I could literally go to one of five bars in my hometown, and I would think to myself “Oh, he will show up at x bar at midnite.”
I’d be there sitting and waiting and he would walk in the door.
I recall many late nights sitting in the car and he would hold my hand while we would listen to music.
He had such power in his hands.

This man also gives the best hugs in the world.
If you’ve ever hugged somebody and their hugs feel like falling into eternity, then you know what real love feels like.
He doesn’t belong to me.
He belongs to another.
With the exception of the muse who may finally start to compare to my 6 year affair….
My love for anybody else has never even come close to my love for this man.

Even if somebody does not belong to you,
its such a wonderful feeling to know that love like that exists in this world.

I used to have delusions about what each man would one day become.
About how our involvement with each other would turn out.
That one day my 6 year affair would be mine.

I’ve had many muses in the last couple years of my life.
Most of them are taken..
(Mr. Wrong comes to mind.)
I’ve had conversations with them about what I want.
Or I suppose, what I THOUGHT I wanted at the time.
Now I’m nothing but glad that they never became mine,
as they obviously were not meant for me.
While I’m a bit sad that my delusions are fading out, and that I’m not quite aspiring to the same neo-traditionalist ways that many people my age are….I am happy that I’m capable of loving without worry about who my loves belong to.

I believe love is a healthy expression, and if you have love in your heart for a person, its extremely healthy to share it. If being open with how much you love a person and communicating your love to that person feels “right” – I feel you should communicate your feelings to that person, and communicate them regularly, even if they don’t “belong” to you.
It’s important to communicate feelings of love and adoration to people….because you never know when your life or their life might be over. Life is very fleeting and temporary. This is why its important to tell people that you love them.

Keep in mind I’m not saying that you do it to their face. Or in a letter. Or in a text. Find a creative way to share it.
That’s what I’ve been doing lately.
Some people need to be shown that they are loved, rather than told.
Use your instincts. Its a case by case scenario.

P.S. I mention Rendezvous because I will be meeting with my 6 year affair somewhere around the holiday season. He’s meeting at a halfway point. This makes me happy. He lights up my life and I can carry that light with me for months. Weird that a person can do that….especially since I’m such a solo flyer. I think its only because I let him.


One Response to “Dating and Rendezvous”

  1. marko-ireland December 2, 2010 at 1:13 am #

    Once again Great Read, cant wait for the next update, great to read of your experiences and emotions, as im sure most girls in your line of work and others are in the same boat,, more please 🙂
    take care xxx

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