How to Have a Relationship with a Working Girl – aka Chapter 7

24 Dec

In my adventures of heading up to LA over the holiday season, I decided to check out Craigslist Rideshare to see if anybody needed a ride from San Diego.

I found a fellow who was in his 30s and he said he needed a ride up because he had just been informed that his friend, who has cancer, has gone from bad to worse so all the friends and family are being called out to say their goodbyes, making their visits in the hospital.

It was sort of Kismet as we say that he needed to be where I did, and he got a ride to my house and everything – two hours after I made the call, away we went!

Chatting on the way up you get to know each other.
I wasn’t leary of taking this guy up because he has a facebook page wth photos and we have some mutual (although distant) friends.

In getting to talking I tell him (I try to tell somebody something new every time to see what works) that I am a writer, and I do writing for the adult industry.

Turns out that he had also worked in the adult industry as a producer of sorts, so I had no problem coming out and admitting “ok here’s what I really do for a living in addition to writing.”

His main questions were how you get a relationship to work.
I told him I was writing a book on this whole thing and he said,
“You should have a chapter about how to have a relationship with girls like you. You should call it Chapter 7.”

Maybe he wanted me to call it chapter 7 because he knew he was getting lucky later.
Yes. I had sex with him. It was awesome.
Now onto the Q & A.

Some of his questions, with my answers:

Q: Do guys you try to date get jealous?
A: No more jealous than any other girl-dealing-with-other-guys type of situation. I can tell you why he shouldnt get that jealous though: To us, we treat it like any other job. 

Q. But – you’re fucking other guys and that’s gotta be nerve wracking.
A. What guys don’t understand is that girls have this switch in our brains we can turn off. Its the same switch in your brain that you turn off when you do really boring work at any job. We use it when we fuck our clients, nearly every time.

Q. So how does a guy learn to deal with it?
A. My ex and I fought ALL the time when I first started this business and you learn that you have certain patterns. For future reference I’d probably work around them.

Q. What kind of patterns?
A. Well if you are spending a lot of time with somebody when you are home, when you leave you get separation anxiety usually on day 3 or so. Then on days 5 thru 6 things are good. Around day 7 you get some burnout and some drama at work happens. And by day 10 you’re really burnt out, and you’re taking it out on the guy when he doesn’t deserve it.

Q. Is there any way to avoid that?
A. Skype helps – seeing somebodys face helps a lot. I asked some other girls and they set up rules for themselves in their relationships. I.e. some couples don’t talk about what they do at work at all. I know another girl who calls her husband every time she has sex with a client, lets him know she’s ok, let him know how it was, and this makes him feel better.

Q. What about monogamy – you said you didn’t really believe in that any more. A. My views have changed a lot about monogamy, I think some people can be truly monogamous but real monogamy is an idea that doesn’t exist in todays world, to me. People are friends with guys and girls and have levels to their friendships that I don’t think are healthy for monogamous relationships. They say “I don’t like relationships” but are surrounded by what I call “intimate friendships” to fill that void. I don’t approve of that style of self-deceit that I see a LOT of people my age get into – they “don’t want relationships” yet have VERY personal friendships.

The person you tell your secrets to and share your heart with – that should be reserved for a significant other. If you don’t like SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS, that’s fine, and I’m all for having opposite sex friends (or same sex, depending on your preference) to share your hopes and fears with, but at some point you have to understand that sharing with all of those “friends” will actually get in the way of finding people who can give you the kind of love you deserve.

Friendship Boundaries First and Foremost
Both inside and outside of brothel life, even before I started working in a brothel, it was THOSE kinds of “intimate friendships” that typically were the main problem with my significant others. That’s why you have to have rules in place for faithfulness. I.e. I’m fine with a significant other having a couple close, longtime female friends…but save the deep stuff for me! He can have his close friends, but I’m his #1. Maybe not when we first start dating, but hopefully as things get more serious.

No Manipulative Friends – Know who to trust your secrets to.
My significant other is free to hang out with trusted friends in my absence, but I’d like to get to know them well enough to figure out whether they are trustworthy, or if they are manipulative. Manipulative friends will destroy ANY relationship, but they tend to be the hardest on us working girls because there’s such a stigma attached to our profession.

What other rules do you set up, socially?
You have to set up rules as far as which of your friends you tell, and which of your friends you don’t tell. My rule is, if the guy’s friend is probably somebody he would invite to be a part of his wedding (i.e. a bridesmaid or a groom), you shouldn’t tell that person. I would MUCH prefer that a guy I’m dating befriend a couple of MY friends (guy and girl) who have knew me before I started this job (and have been there for me with the ups and downs of this business) because they can give a whoever I’m dating a much better perspective about how well the brothel industry works for me.

Often it’s useless if a person I am dating confides in a friend about my profession. Unless my significant other’s friend is in the adult industry in some way, they will have no way of relating, or giving advice. Often people who have never been in the industry know nothing about it, and their opinions of all aspects of the sex industry are extremely negative. Those negative opinions can be extremely destructive to any budding relationship.

Regardless of what job I have, hopes of a serious relationship are lost when my partner’s friends have a negative opinion of his me. My friends know me well enough to see that my job is not a barrier to my ability to have a relationship. I want to share that part of my world with a potential boyfriend, so he can see….I’m not like most girls….and my job is NOT a problem.

You should talk to/befriend my bodyguard – my closest guy friend. Its with my guy friends that I share my ups and downs of whoever I am in love with. If there is anybody who could tell the person I love that they have got nothing to worry about, it would be my guy friends, because they hear all about how much I really love someone, and when its genuine.

Q. So you think its possible to be faithful and still work in a brothel? A. Totally. What’s changed about my views since working there is that faithfulness and commitment has to be all in your mind and in your heart.

If you are committed to a person in your mind…if you truly love and care about them…you make a DECISION to be committed to that person, and that’s that. In fact, I’d say if you’re in a relationship and working in a brothel, a couple needs to sit down and make a verbal agreement with each other as to EXACTLY what those rules of commitment really are.

The biggest problem happens if you (like in my case with my Ex) end up in a relationship with somebody for the convenience factor: Because you like having somebody to go home to, like the sex, or having a place to stay and somebody to watch movies with. If I’m not that into someone, I don’t think a relationship with anyone could work. Casual relationships aren’t my style and the stress of trying to have one while in a brothel affects my ability to work. I think the same is the case for many of the other brothel girls I talk with. With the economy the way it is, often this job requires our complete focus as it can be very competitive. We don’t need a fight with someone back home to get in the way of our money making. However….if two people are really into each other, I think they will find a way to make the relationship work no matter what kind of job they are doing.

Q. So what is faithfulness to you given your work situation?
A. Well if I’m into somebody, I’m really committed to them in my mind. Nobody else can possibly compare to them, or even if someone did, I choose to be blind to all that.

What you have to keep your guard up for is regulars coming into your work and trying to convince you that your significant other isn’t that great, because they would rather get that kind of attention from you. Sometimes even other girls at the brothel will try to do the same thing if they want you to have fling with them on the job. As long as you put up a barrier and don’t leave your relationship a topic for debate, its fine.

Q. But isn’t it a little one sided when you’re sleeping with all these people and the guy doesn’t do the same thing? A. I actually have a couple friends who have agreed with their significant others that “hey, fair is fair, If I’m gonna work in a brothel and fuck people all the time, then you can go fuck whoever you want whenever you want, so long as your heart doesn’t get involved with that person and it remains strictly sex only.”

You start to learn that faithfullness and committment doesn’t have to be about pinning a person down. For us in this business, its being committed to letting people be who they are, and to love them with an open mind.

I think the rest of the world could learn a lot as far as “loving with an open mind” because so many people get into relationships expecting a person to be different than how they actually are.

I’ve had potential suitors ask me,
“Well how long do you plan on being in this business?”
“Don’t you want a family?”

Getting into a relationship expecting change is no way to go about loving somebody.

Q. Do you believe you can fall in love?
Yea, most people are just stupid and I’m not that into them, but its possible! Usually its a one way street – I love them and they don’t love me back….but that’s ok. All you can do is let yourself love. Being loved is sure to follow.

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One Response to “How to Have a Relationship with a Working Girl – aka Chapter 7”

  1. Neo_Anderson69 December 24, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

    The 1 thought u may have left out is. Let’s say a licensed woman in the legal business, doesn’t have actual sex in the way I would want it. Skin to Skin contact, & in this world these days there is something called Safe Sex (Testing)which isn’t the same in my book anyway, And besides I think it would be fun a have a woman like that as a girl friend or significant other, because 2 me u just don’t get a unusual & exciting chance like that ever in life. I’m ready to experience something not akin to the norm. As far as boundaries I understand them & know them & wouldn’t have a problem with it, cause I’m an easy goin guy after 27 years of marriage I know how guys are & how women are. It’s just human nature & what ever happen to make Love not War

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