Q & A with the Babe! Secret analysis

9 Jan

This one comes from Bopat.

My question is: In the biz (or hobby as others call it), who do you think usually blabs or talks more, or put more bluntly, who do you think is more likely to spill or out private info more, men or women?

My opinion is – its in the hands of you, which means its genderless, and is solely related to exactly how many people you tell.

I did a tally yesterday of all the people I know that I have told.

You have to do the math – if one person only tells one person, that in itself is not so bad. But if they each tell a person, the number compounds on itself over and over again and like the person who ends up with a million bucks in the back after interest compounds on itself, secrets work the same way and before you know it, everybody knows your secret.

Of the people I have told I can reveal this:
1. My guy friends keep better secrets, or for some reason I trust them more.
We can talk publicly about the nature of my work yet somehow in public manage to delicately steer around the fact that I’m a whore for a living. We laugh secretly to ourselves but I think this is apparent only to us, exactly what hooker innuendo joke we might be laughing about.

Of the females I have told, there is one person who I trust would never tell the secret.
The rest, I have no fucking clue. What I do know is that when it comes to women, I generally only trust:

1. Other hookers working in my brothel
2. My female best friends who I have known for four years or more and have no interest in ruining my life

Women who surprisingly broke my trust:
My mom told her boyfriend.
So that’s bullshit.

A Man who surprisingly broke my trust:
A fellow artist I worked with.
I think he has closeted gay tendencies.
He’s petite, under the age of 25, and was sort of enamored with the idea.
Mostly I think he knew I would never fuck him, so he blabbed to rub it in my face.

My biggest mistake:
Opening up to internet fans I don’t know.
They came on as very welcoming, very supportive of my work.

These “fans” are female members of the sex industry who I don’t know personally, and they were the first people to go blabbing stuff all in the public domain of internet ho-land.

The deeper question I’ve been trying to ask myself is this:
Why on EARTH did I tell the people I did?

It’s not whether you can keep the secret.
It’s why you wanna tell it in the first place.

My own personal theories for myself for why I told so many people:

1. Lying is just too hard. Even if you are used to lying, lying on one occasion is one thing but lying repeatedly is a huge burden to bear. I find it extremely draining. When I reveal my work to people, the burden is eliminated and I feel rejuvenated somehow.

2. I want people to keep their fucking distance from me.
That’s right. Most general idiots of the world don’t interest me. I don’t wanna go out to the club on a Friday night, I don’t want to go have dinner with you, and I don’t want to talk to you about YOUR job, because that will lead to me talking about mine…and if I start to even tell a MADE UP STORY about my work, eventually I’ll get tired of lying, I will break, and I will tell them some portion of the truth.

3. I actually like my job
It’s fun, its a thrill, its an adventure at times…I get a kick out of it.

I also did a tally of whether the people I have met or stayed friends with after having told my secret are better or worse than the people I knew before I started this industry. The analysis of my new friendships are as followed:

1. I’ve gained one friend/colleague who is a fellow writer. He’s one of the most intelligent people I know. I started talking to him during a time when I was feeling super shitty about having to work in this industry. He helped get me some mojo back. We started talking when he had no knowledge of who I was in person, and we were just exchanging thoughts and writings. He was the first person to actually believe in my brothel writings and be a “fan” of my work and this was extremely foreign to me that somebody would actually like what I wrote (When we finally did meet in person and he told me he was a “Fan” – I’m sure my weird facial expression at his foreign remark said it all.) His support pushed me to keep writing….if nothing else, so he could have something to read! Now 6000 people have read this thing as of 1/7/2011 so that’s not a bad place to start.

2. I gained the assistance of one super cool rep – He’s super professional, there’s nothing romantic, working with him is nothing short of a damn good time, and he has improved the quality of my work immensely, all without fucking him. What a blessing. He’s a take charge guy and he is at the core of the DIY work ethic that I love so much. Is he an expert at everything? Not necessarily…but does teach himself what he wants to learn, find out who is the expert, and make sure everything comes together without a hitch? YES. It’s this kind of spirit of enabling oneself that got me working in my job in the first place…(not letting anything slow me down, not even a bad economy.) and my rep is very driven in this way. Seeing driven people happy to work, makes me happy.

3. I gained one bodyguard – he’s one of the most liberal, kind, accepting people I know and if shit hit the fan he would be the first person I’d call to come save my ass. He’s a true friend – the kind of loyal friend most people wish they had and I feel very fortunate he is in my life as he’s such a positive life force. I look up to him in that way – I only wish he would take care of himself as well as he takes care of his friends.

4. I’ve gained one virgin friend – we’re equal outcasts on different ends of the spectrum. Boys leave us in the dust, for completely opposite reasons. You wouldn’t think that a virgin could be friends with a whore, but its like she upholds every moral code that I’ve broken, but because I’ve broken them all, I can teach her about who’s honest and who isn’t. I once was as optimistic and trusting as she was. I told her we can’t fight about my job any more….because its such a conflict of interest, and explained that I like my job, it’s just what I have to do, and since then things have been way better. It’s proof that two people can be there for each other as friends, in spite of how DIFFERENT our moral compasses are. Or maybe they’re not that different after all – I just went on a quest of discovery.

5. I gained one video editor. He’s such a cool fucking dude. I hope we get to know each other better in the future. It’s great to meet people who have such a jovial spirit.

6. I have gained some fans. – some are people I know from real life who didn’t know who I really was…some were people who knew from the beginning…but people actually read my shit, and they’re all super supportive of the fact that I’m….DIFFERENT. They bring light to my life.

So. This is me.
I am BAMBI, and I call myself this to poke fun at myself because it is such a notoriously bimbo name….and anybody who knows me by now knows that I am anything but.

Once I filter out all the “random people I know”
and I get down to the core people I actually SEE AND TALK TO ON A REGULAR BASIS….
Of the people I have told?
I am glad I have told them.
Frankly, I think they’ve all supported me and pushed me to be better in more ways than they realize, by sticking by me not only as a writer and as an artist, but as their friend.

They are equally as off-the-wall and as “crazy” as I am, but our collective weirdness lends some normalcy to my life.

It really filters out who is a friend and who isn’t.
You’d be surprised how many men and women either fear I’ll be in this industry for life,
secretly resent my carefree sense of adventure,
or, they resent the fact that I’m writing my ASS off about this adventure.
My job is but a “more shocking version” of everything I’ve always done anyway, except now there’s an instant filter button that gets pushed the minute you tell someone you’re a whore:

Somebody has to CHOOSE.
They have to choose to respect you, or not respect you.
Notice, I didn’t say that they have to choose to “judge or not judge.”
All good judges will weigh the scales.
My hope is that by telling the truth to certain people, they can weigh the scales for themselves.

The other day was the first day I stood up for myself and I told somebody,
“HEY, I do what I do, and I’m doing my best here to be respectful to you….but you aren’t treating me with the same level of respect that I am treating you with. Either you treat me with respect, or this situation is over.”

It’s like nobody ever gave this guy the memo that he could CHOOSE to respect or not respect somebody.

I felt like I was the first person to give him that choice,
and for the first time, he chose to show somebody VERY DIFFERENT, a new kind of respect. CHOOSE RESPECT over every old habit you knew, and make a new habit.

Kinda like Rosa Parks on the bus, ya know?
One small act changed history.

My JOB gave me the balls to stand up for myself and not only ask for respect but to DEMAND it.

And guess what?
I finally got it.

Do I regret the people I have told?
I wouldn’t have it any other way.


One Response to “Q & A with the Babe! Secret analysis”

  1. Neo_Anderson69 January 9, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    All I have 2 say on this blog is once 1 person knows who you really are in this day & age of the Internet you can’t hide forever. My late wife of 27 years always said you can keep a secret if 2 or more are dead, & I’m here 2 say thats true.It escapes me why you didn’t want anyone to know who you really are. This is the new millennium & really know one should care what you do for a living. It’s not like what you do is illegal or Immoral because it whats makes the world go round. 7 Billion people can’t be here on earth without it, whether it’s in the privacy of their own life or in the privacy of a legal brothel, which there are numerous ones all over the world. You fill & need & I’m happy to say, I admire you for saying so !

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