TV – the laughs I can depend on

10 Feb

I’ll start off by saying that taking a four month hiatus from brothel business allowed me to rebuild something resembling a social circle. The beginnings of some new friendships formed.

The friendships I made were not built on the fact that I am a legal sex worker – they were built on the idea that I’m an artist working on my pieces – somebody who has time to socialize, and has no controversy surrounding her life.

I went full circle from being BAMBI – who doesn’t give a FUCK what anybody thinks…
to being totally ANGRY about how fucked up my world became….
Having no regard for characteristics like honesty and integrity…or people’s hearts…or monogamy.

I was a little hell raiser and I had to get a lot out of my system.
Check a lot off my bucket list.
I think for once I wanted to know what it felt like not to care…as obviously, for years men had been treating me as nothing more than a potential prize. Not a person.

Somewhere over the winter my heart softened.
I realized…people are always gonna be more sensitive than I am.

In the world of “sucking it up and dealing with it” – I expected (and at times demanded) for people to be able to cope as well I had with the stigma that surrounds my job.

I have since realized that nobody is going to be able to cope with my weird life better than I can. To ask people to “deal with it” as well as I do, is asking too much: It would be asking them to turn off “the switch” and I am in their lives to tune IN to real life, NOT to tune it out.

You can’t take somebody by the hand, show them your world, and tell them everything will be okay. Only time can show them that.

I’ve always had a knack for breaking the rules, for the atypical, for living outside the lines.

If you could peer inside my brain, there has GOT to be a little compartmentalized sector that says “Here’s the section of Bambi’s brain where she’s able to set her weird lifestyle aside, and still maintain normal relations with people.”

I work hard to treat people the same on the inside or on the outside and to give them as much (emotional) consistency as I can.

My friends back home though…aren’t going to be treating me exactly the same when I’m in the brothel.

If a man in my life has a sense of guardedness, I shouldn’t view it as negative.

When people guard their hearts from me, I’m trying to look at it as a positive thing: A sign that they nurture their soul, and protect their hearts so they have something healthy to share when the right situation comes along.

I can’t expect people to know if I am a “right situation” (even for platonic friendships) as quickly as other people.

I can’t expect people to dive in.
My friends are smart and will stick their toes in the water first.

I have to respect people’s need for more space when I work here.
But it doesn’t make me any less lonely, or make me feel any less isolated.

SO. I’m turning to TV. The camaraderie I can rely on!


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