My God, I will fuck your shit up.

16 Mar

It’s amazing when you’re a lone legal whore in a big little city, how overly eager everyone is to figure out who you are…and they alllllll try….try to dig, ask questions. Uncover the mystery.

With a group of men who are faced with the secret of who Brothel Babe is, it’s like a bunch of six year olds on the brink of discovery of who Santa Claus is at Christmas. It’s ridiculous, but I can’t say I blame them.

Women at times are equally curious. Though more vengeful. Men are innocent in their curiosity.

I think back to the first time somebody told my secret and it resulted in an angry talk where I was sick to my stomach.

I think back to November when I vomited from stress and slept through Thanksgiving because my identity got revealed on the internet.

At this point, so many people have lacked control in the “keeping brothel babe’s secret” department…all I can do is shake my head and say, “oh no, again!?!?” At this point, it’s almost endearing. CUTE, even. Grown adults become so thrilled when they find out somebody THEY KNOW (and perhaps even like or…GASP…respect!) is a prostitute. I feel if I got angry at them for blabbing, I would ruin their thrill and fantasy.

How could I GET ANGRY if I’m smart?
If I’m angry, that must mean its true.
So now, I just think its cute.
It’s all I can do.

I’m almost thankful because I’m like a cartoon character who says, “I laugh in the face of danger!”

Not to say that working as a prostitute wouldn’t have some consequences later.
Of course it would.
Like some other job that could be filed under “conflict of interest.”
I could be fired from my job.

Mostly however I get a lot of high fives from how many people I’ve fucked.

I got into a conversation with a friend of mine who was so adamant about how I need to quit ho-ing because it “fucks you up.”

I explained the “switch” and I explained that there is this place in my brain where sleeping with people is justified IF AND ONLY IF I am getting paid for it, because it’s taking care of my basic life needs.

My friend said he had fucked all KINDS of women who he didn’t give a fuck about.
Whereas I said that I had NEVER FUCKED SOMEBODY I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT, ESPECIALLY ON AN EXTENDED BASIS.

Yes, did you hear this?
I’ve never had extended sexual relations with somebody I didn’t care about.
In fact, I don’t think I’m emotionally capable.
I’m not emotionally strong enough to be a big enough liar that I could fuck somebody I am “not into” as a human being.

I just don’t think its good for your soul.
I wonder if the “numbness” a guy experiences from fucking a lot of chicks he isn’t into, is similar to the numbness I feel when I’ve been working too many hours.

I won’t deny a numbness…but the thing is, the “snap-back period” is relatively quick because I don’t have any deep rooted emotional baggage from spending time with people who I have played mind games with, mainly because I have not played mind games with people.

The guy brought up how we’d probably slept with equal numbers of people like it was a great leveler somehow. He’s quite a bit older.

Except, he’s chosen to be little “fucked up” still…and I’ve chosen to work at making my life “not fucked up. ”

My point was…I have seen so many things in the last two and a half years…fucked up things, fucked up people….girls have told me their fucked up stories……most of all though, people have tried to “fuck with me.”

I.e. Ruin my pride and ruin my sense of spirit or try to damage my self worth, because I have worked in a brothel for a living.

So many people have tried and done it that I’m so much stronger than I was before I started this business.

Before I started this business I was a shell of a being, because my pride was something I let other people have control over.

Now I know better than that, and I’m capable of holding my head high no matter what.
It’s kind of like fitness. You have to run every day before you run a marathon.
If you take some form of psychological beating on a regular basis, you have a choice:
You can let it ruin you or you can say, “Wait a minute, hey, I’M IN CONTROL HERE. And I decide to be happy.”

YES OF COURSE there is stuff like tragedy or when shit happens throughout your day that you allow yourself a small window of time to be bummed over.

Frustration is something I allow myself to have.
I allow myself to mope a lot.
I allow myself to cry often.

But I don’t allow other people to pry their way into my life and try to take my happiness from me, just because I choose to do strange things.

Then it starts to get funny, because you feel sheltered.
You’ve constructed your wall of happiness and you are able to be social.
Hold meaningful relationships.
Distance yourself from people who are miserable.
Reach out to people who are joyful.

You start to build walls…
People build these walls for their children all the time…
They will fight for that sense of sanctuary and peace for their family.

Sometimes they forget to build those same walls for themselves.
SO I finally have….and it feels good.

I won’t deny that life needs periods where you “level everything” – if things start to get fucked up, a social cleanout period may be in order. A phone number change. Disassociating from people who are bad for you. I recommend doing this whenever shit gets too fucked up and you’re like, “what happened.”

It’s kind of like your house when you get busy and don’t do any deep cleaning. One day you might peer under your bed and go “whoa, this is disgusting!”

You have to treat your life the same. Muck and mold and gross people can accumulate if you’re oblivious and not paying attention. Clean ’em out.

Brothel Babe, Signing out.

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One Response to “My God, I will fuck your shit up.”

  1. Viki March 19, 2011 at 8:00 am #

    I’ve been through this too, mainly older (very much older) men trying to hit on me and then, when I turn them down, trying to find out who I am in order to ‘reveal the truth’ without a single care for personal feelings or danger.

    Some people need a life, and a hard dosage of truth about themselves too!

    Viki.

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