I lied.

19 Mar


“I laugh in the face of danger”…..really? I said that?
Well, I lied.

I really do want to start over.

I had my first good day at this job I started.
For a moment, I was happy.
Not happy because I was counting benjamins and thinking of the things I could buy.

I was happy because I was spending time with good people and the laughter was not tainted by worry.

I won’t deny that I’m struggling with the adjustment phase right now.
In truth I am the worlds biggest baby when it comes to massive change.
I feel a sense of loss in my body, and when it gets late at night and I have a few too many moments to think….I cry exactly like I did when I was four and needed a nap.

It’s comedic really, if in the last three weeks you could glue together all the silly moments in which I have cried.

There are a great many moments where I start to cry at the exact street corner driving away from my friends house. All I can call him is my friend, but really its a lot more complicated than that.
He’s genius really – thinking of a million excuses that my company is necessary.
We hold hands,
we hug goodbye.
I’ll kiss him on the cheek.
He’ll give a peck on the lips.

Yet somewhere between the sandwich shop, the wait at that long stoplight, and driving by the liquor store where he buys his cigarettes…tears will flow.

In varying degrees.
Sometimes just a few.
Sometimes more than that….
Followed by the tragically comedic uttering of some of the following phrases:

1. “It isn’t fair!”
2. “This is too hard, I can’t do this!”
3. “I’m so stupid!”
4. “Fuck my stupid job!”
5. “I want to quit and go back to Nevada!”
6. “He should be going home with me!”
7. “Why, why why me?”

Yes. I sob like a little princess who hasn’t gotten her way.
I sob like some little girl who has this weird sense of entitlement that she should get what she wants when she wants it and if she can’t have it now, it’s not worth having.

I also sob like I want a best friend, want a husband, and a family ONE DAY, but not any time soon.
Somehow we got on the topic of family over dinner and he mentioned a little girl and his face lit up, because he said he would love to have a daughter. Wants a family, but not consciously, he says.

Conversations like that don’t help.

Anyway, I’ve noticed from all the crying during this adjustment face…my face is starting to get itchy under my eyes. Imagine me periodically through the day, unable to resist scratching. For the last 3 days I haven’t been able to figure out why it itches under my eyes then I put all those horrific moments together and realized it:

Isn’t it hilarious???!? I’m allergic to my own saltwater tears.

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