There could be hope yet….

22 Mar


I wanted to tell you how my last evening went.
I doubt anyone reads this much any more.

I got an offer to get psychoanalyzed from a fan…
The guy offered (without saying) to pay me and make it worth my while, and I’m thinking, no thank you, there’s really no use in de-constructing a person who will soon be the person who I USED to be.

So….Mr. Wrong came over.
Drunk as always.
While his alcoholism tends to make him numb to anything resembling a broken heart, I could sense he had one too.

He was astonished at how “not into him” I was.
“You’re not into me at all.” he says.
“You don’t love me even a little bit?”

I said,
“I can’t go on loving someone who doesn’t care enough to love and take care of themselves. “

OOOOH, brutal Bambi comes out, right?

In fact, I continue.
I continue about how I could never ever be with someone who has a raging alcohol problem, or a longstanding drug problem, because I could NEVER EVER BEAR THE PAIN of watching somebody kill themselves slowly.

I pointed to a couple of family photos in my bedroom and explained people I have lost from drugs and alcohol, said that I couldn’t ever be with someone wondering whether or not they would drive home safe…whether or not they would get a DUI or worse, kill completely innocent people driving drunk.

“Why have you never told me this before?”
He asked.

Truth was, I knew he wouldn’t care.
But this time I was telling him for myself, because I needed to hear my own honesty.

My own truth, spoken out loud, about all the things I’ve wanted for a long time.

So I said…

“You want the girl?! Take care of your shit, clean up your act, clean up your mess, be responsible…give a shit.”

“If you are unwilling to do that, know that there are consequences.
You don’t get the girl.
You don’t get me. “

Yeah, little old me, I said that out loud.

We talked about relationships still after that…shot the shit a little about our pasts.
I explain how GREAT I’ve always been at telling white lies, deceiving people, being sneaky, doing things under-cover style, getting my way.

Yet…I’m growing tired of that.
I told him that two people if they were in love, shouldn’t have to be drunk to fuck, and if they are drinking and have to be wasted every time, it’s only a sign that they are washing down guilt, or aren’t meant to be together.

I told him that I didn’t just want a fuck.
I wanted and needed somebody who was THERE for me.
How I’d never had a best friend, but would like one.

MOST IMPORTANTLY however, I want to do things consciously.
I want to fall in love on purpose.
I want things to be intentional and direct,
and not come from a place of apathy.

As much as I HATE DATING and HATE BEING PURSUED…this is what I want.

Mr. Wrong told me he gets little bits of love in lots of different places.
I told him that’s not how I work. Not with romantic love.
I need a big heart, and a big love.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t need a big dick.
Just the first two.

He tried to stay the night.
Tried to convince me he was drunker than he was.
Put on a real good act and stumbled more than necessary, pretended not to see straight and slurred his speech extra good when I’ve seen him drink more liquor than that and be just fine.

Even gave me with the “If I get in an accident it’s your fault” guilt trip in the last ploy to make me cave. It didn’t work.

I told him he couldn’t stay.
I didn’t let him weasel his way into my bed, or back into my life.

I simply told him….
“I’m working really hard to change my life right now. I need to be alone. There’s stuff that I wanted to work that is not going the way I wanted, and it’s really, really hard.”

“You almost look like you’re about to cry.”
He said.

“No.”
I said as the tears started welling up.

“Do you need a shoulder to cry on?”

“No….”

For a brief moment however, he was.
He was my shoulder to cry on, and that’s probably the most honest moment Mr. Wrong and I have ever had.

A few minutes later, he left…into the pouring rain.

Advertisements

One Response to “There could be hope yet….”

  1. Neo_Anderson69 March 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

    Way 2 go. You didn’t back down or fall 2 the temp BS he was there for. I agree about alcohol not needing 2 b a part of any-day life as I myself don’t & or can’t drink, cause as they said in the old west name your poison & thats what alcohol is essentially, Poison with a capitol P. And I always read your WordPress blogs, but I only respond 2 the ones I feel a connection with. I’m still waitin 2 meet you but Winter is post phoning it till the weather is much better in about 2 months for now unless u r in my area S F Bay Area.I’m tellin you. You should give me a try, You won’t regret it. I’ve been trained well into domestic life. I have 27 years of faithful experience & paid the ultimate price in Love. Till D _ _ _h do us part. I am very patient. See u soon. From The One of few

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: