Details, details.

26 Mar

Without giving away too many details….I went on a sort of date last night.

His family owns a business.
You know a guy who owns a family business means he in solid running for middle to upper middle class living for life (aka he’s “set”), depending on his business sense and how well the son takes over the family business.

The guy loves me.
Has for a while.
I stake no claim.
I just know that given the opportunity, he would probably give me the world if I let him.

I felt bad when he was trying to talk to me and I was zoning out, watching people go by, wanting to be somewhere else. I tried really hard to make myself listen. My body was there, my soul was not.

As of today, I woke up for my longest day at my new job at the retirement home.
It was sort of a special day where families are invited to visit and tour the facility…much more chaotic than normal as there are a bunch of grandchildren bouncing around in addition to old people. The day is twice as long as normal because there is prep time involved..

There is not a day that I drive to my new job that I don’t think of him.
You know.
The same guy.

I was standing outside for a minute at work today staring up at the clouds and I thought, “Hey, I think there have started to be reasons other than him. This is good.”

First off the sunlight and standing in the clouds. It was so beautiful.
I hear miles of laughter.
Seagulls fly overhead and I like listening to them.
Six months ago, I hated the sunlight. I didn’t even want the sun in my eyes.
I was confined to four walls thinking about the next alarm I would hear as my cue to go make money.

Today I looked forward to the sun.

Were it not for quitting the brothel,
I would not have met the people that I met in the last week.
People who I don’t have to stretch to find reasons to like them. I could call them FRIENDS in the near future.

Some of that stuff is worth more than money.

It’s a financial low though, I’ll admit to that.
They did a lot of cleaning out at work and I saw some perfectly good bagels all bagged up in the trash can.

I barely have any money to my name right now.
I imagined I’d be getting hungry over the weekend,
and in spite of the fact that I am going to be getting some money soon…I have $3.00 in my wallet and I’m too scared to spend it.

So I took the bagels out of the trashcan. Two full bags, all clean for me.
I take a satchel into work….
I made sure no one was looking. Meticulously took the time to cover them up in the satchel so no one could see I was the one who took them.

Then as our reward for putting in a double day, my work actually ordered us food.
They started passing around a notepad telling us to put in our order but before I could write anything I thought of the potentially embarrassing moment of only having $3.00 in my wallet…and couldn’t stand that so I had to ask,
“Are we paying or is work treating us?”

Their treat.
Which was good, because I needed a real meal more than anything.

Still…I drove home happy.

I watched a movie when I got home.
This movie Spread.
Strangely, watching the first 10 minutes of this movie instantly sums this same asshole guy I quit for…I felt like I was getting a glimpse into his 20s and early 30s watching this movie, reminded of the words, “I’ve done my own fair share of prostitution, I just didn’t get paid up front. ”

I laughed the whole way through the first 20 mins. The way the guy perched over in his chair…the douchbaggery clasping of the hands. The squint of the eyes. The callous walk. The choice of beverages. I DIED. Obviously, men calculate their bullshit down to a science just like us girls do with our duck lips and G strings. Seriously.

The guy meets a girl in the movie, who does the same thing with her sugardaddies.
They call each other whores.
Driving cars that aren’t theirs, eating with other people’s money.
Sleeping on beds paid for by someone else.

I thought to myself “Had I spent any amount of time in LA, I probably would have ended up like this girl in the movie instead of working at a brothel in Nevada.”

Lots of pretty girls date rich older men for the perks, and no one says a thing.

This boy and this girl fall for each other…not a dime to their names, no plan. Just love.

I was really hoping they would have worked it out in the end….
the girl was in the plush NYC apartment financed by her rich man…
she wasn’t happy when you looked in her eyes, but she said it was “what she needed.”

It’s a movie about two modern day prostitutes essentially…and I said to myself, “I don’t think I could do that.”

Meaning…..I don’t think I could live a life where the whole relationship was a lie, just for the basis of financial stability.

In fact…speaking of similar situations. I tried to chat with my mom about something today.

Would have taken 10 minutes of her time.
She got short with me.
Had to go buy something.
Had to go take care of things with her own work.
As she’s gotten less and less interested in her boyfriend, she’s gotten more and more interested in occupying her time with things that aren’t him.

She spent 20+ years with my dad…
a man who had the money, had the house, gave her the cars…

BUT! He never listened.

And how he’s dead. She’s got no money left from him so she’s back at square one, hustling at the ground level doing work (some she likes, some she she doesn’t like) so she can buy…THINGS! More things!

Yet, she doesn’t have time.
When I talk to her about her friends, it sounds like she doesn’t really like them too much either!

I thought, “Hmm…if my mom had started off doing work she actually LIKED instead of setting it all aside for a man…I wonder how much money she would be making now?”

My mom is way smart. Had she been doing the things she loves that she is good at (things she always insisted she never wanted to get paid for…) I think by now, she would have been making more than my dad did.

I figure….you get the equivalent of three adult lifetimes if you live until you are 80. I could start my life all over again at least 3 times if I ever start to hate it! The older you get though, the harder it is to change. (So they say.)

When I look at my career idols – they all seem to be people who started off doing things they REALLY LOVED. (Translation: They would shovel shit in a backyard if it meant working around spending time on their passions. From there it only got better.)

So…my new philosophy…I best be starting off with the things I really really like.
I’m more curious to start off with situations I love, people I love, things that make me happy…to see where I will end up.

So much of this bullshit in life is stuff you don’t even want anyway. It’s stuff society has programmed you into thinking you’re SUPPOSED to want. How much do you want it though, really?

My mom played that game my whole life…all for a man who never listened!

And do you know how many days I think she spent not happy, marrying a man who never listened? I think more than she’d care to admit.

If the money makes you happy, if possessions important to you…then your life will be different.

I try to balance it in my head……

“All the cool shit I ever wanted for someone I can barely stand.”

Nope.
It will never make sense to me.

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One Response to “Details, details.”

  1. Neo_Anderson69 March 26, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    The Most Important Thing Is To Find A World You Can Belong To, Our Lives Only Begin To Mean Something When We Can Find That World

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