I do, I do, I do.

30 Mar

At this point I’m sure I’ve mentioned so many guys that it lacks significance who I mention, and when you combine the fact that I can’t give you details to the entire story, it blurs things and maybe makes them less significant.

So I’ll summarize.
There was the ex I never wanted to marry, who I ditched when I knew he wasn’t “the one.”

There was Mr. Wrong, who helped me realize I wasn’t that into the ex to begin with.

There was Mr. Editor, who I thought might have been worth quitting my job for.
When I realized he didn’t see love the way I saw it, I didn’t quit hooking, I just took a much needed break.

But now, there’s…him.
The guy.
I realized, we’ve talked every single day since Christmas.
Even the days he was completely devastated when he realized that my working as a hooker was a complete reality…we still didn’t go a day where there wasn’t contact of some kind.

He was an accident.
I’m usually so calculated and can see these kinds of things coming from a mile away.
I didn’t see him coming at all.
It was a surprise of the best kind.

It’s a surprise we’re still talking.
It was also a surprise that I ended up being his date to a wedding the other day.

It was my day off. It was a beautiful day. They gave us a day off in honor of having such a long day last week. He knows my schedule so he gave me the “you should have told me it was your day off, I would have taken you to this wedding.”

I of course said I would still go to the wedding….thankfully it was an indie artist wedding so it didn’t matter that I wasn’t wearing a dress….I was the only girl there in jeans but it was fine.

I can’t remember the last wedding I went to.
I asked him what the last wedding he went to was…
he said it was his own.

The Pastor talked about intentional love and how beautiful it was.
I didn’t used to get why people cry at weddings (not when I was 12, anyway!)
but I do now.

The pastor even asked everybody at the wedding to make a commitment to help these two people stay loyal to each other.

I didn’t think going to a wedding would be “hard.” – but towards the end it kind of was.
Towards the reception part…I kind of felt like going home.

He has this attachment towards my pillow.
I have a bigger bed than he does but he really favors this foamy squishy pillow I have.

Where the freeway splits and we can go east or west I said, “do you want the pillow at my house or do you want me to take you to your house?”

My house it was….swerving across lanes of freeway I went.

Somehow I guess the liquor and seeing people get married made us bring up the subject. He mentioned he had been married twice.
The first time was a Vegas thing.
The 2nd time was to give his kids something resembling family when they were growing up. He had kids young…he came back later to be a dad when it mattered most.

Turns out he is still married.
“How do you expect to fall in love if you are still married?” I asked.

And somehow between the split freeway and my driveway…things got a little more open.

I told him, “You don’t think it was hard for me to go to a wedding with you?”

He said, “You don’t believe in marriage or anything like that. You’ve been working in a whorehouse.”

I said, “You have no idea about me. I still believe in marriage, and monogamy, and falling in love.”

And I have to tell you.
I told a white lie.
His toothbrush.
I’ve kept it. Usually I’ll just leave it out on the bathroom counter. That toothbrush is this weird symbol that he actually exists and it isn’t all in my head, so I like to keep it out sometimes, because it makes me feel better, stupid as that sounds.

Except he’s been with this other girl and I can’t stand that he is with this other girl.

So when he asked where his toothbrush was, I said I hid it because my ex came over. (That was the white lie….my ex did come over, he just never set foot in my house.)

He got all mad at me…like the whole thing I told him about quitting working in the brothel was somehow less valid because he assumed I was fucking my ex.

Ok. Ok. I let him assume I was fucking my ex.
So I told two white lies.

Before he got in my house he said he wanted his side of the bed to be his side of the bed but somehow when he was actually in my bed, that was not the case.

Then off-hand, he sort of brought up something pertinent.
Stuff about his sex drive being all wack.
He said he hasn’t been able to get hard like normal in a couple of months,
and his sex drive has gone way down, and things have been totally off.

I told him I’ve been having the same problem.
Tried to get off the other day and it took me 20 fucking minutes, and it never takes that long.
He didn’t believe me.
And apparently he didn’t think I took his dick problem seriously.
He doesn’t have a dick problem.
The so-called “dick problem” was just a lead in to getting me touch his dick. Like he wanted me to check and give my professional opinion as to whether I thought it reached its typical hardness.

He grabbed my hand and stuck it down his pants.
So if you know me, you know I fell for it.

And then it got real for a second.
And then it got vulnerable.

“You’re re-kindling.”
He said.
“Re-kindling what?” I asked.
“With your ex.”

And I wanted desperately to say “No you fucking asshole, I’m lying because I don’t want to look desperate.”

But I didn’t say that.
I said “I don’t love my ex. I wanted to be with you.”

We had sex.
And no, it was not the same.
Part of me was happy he was there because I’ve missed him so much,
and the other part of me was upset and torn because he does not belong to me.

At least I still believe in love.


One Response to “I do, I do, I do.”

  1. Neo_Anderson69 June 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

    This is what Love can do for you “Love, A Symbol Of Eternity. Wipes Out All Sense Of Time, Destroying All Memory Of A Beginning & All Fear Of An End.”
    & or The Most Important Thing Is To Find A World You Can Belong To, Our Lives Only Begin To Mean Something When We Can Find That World
    & or if you could believe in the Matrix, Love Is Similar To The Pattern Of Insanity, Love Is Not Enough, Love Is A Human Emotion, Love Is A Word, What Matters Is The Connection That It Implies
    Karma/Fate,You Believe In Karma, Karma Is A Word, Like Love, A Way Of Saying This Is What I’m Here To Do, I Don’t Resent My Karma, I’m Grateful For It
    They Are Gifts, And I Do What I Do, To Honor Them
    I Made That commitment once 4 27 years, but higher powers cut short the 1st saying I Put In here way too short or I would be on 31 years now. Besides I thought Women were supposed 2 b match makers. I’ve tried the net.It’s a scam, been out of the dating pic for over 30 years. I guess it’s The Brothels that will ever satisfy my hunger for touch & smell, cause that’s what I miss the most

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