No Courage for me.

14 May

I do not want to be here.
Straight up, this is how I feel.
Right now, in this moment, no getting around it.

If you asked me what “here” means, I would merely shrug my shoulders, too ashamed to answer, because if you tried to dig deeper, you would know that I mean it in the bigger, metaphorical sense, i.e. here on this planet.

The super-hero, triumphant story is supposed to go like this:
Quit the Brothel, Love Wins.
Quit the Ugly world, Man saves Girl.
The world is safe.
They all live happily ever after.

The world however,
is not safe.

The Girl does not get the Man.
The Man does not get the Girl.
There is no happy ever after.

Most of the friends I have, I don’t care to see.

The ones I DO care to see, do not care to see me.

And sure, there are people who would miss me if I was gone.
People who’s faces I make smile every day.
Family.
People I make art with…

But sometimes, its just not enough.
Its not enough to glue your soul to this earth.
Its not enough to keep you here.

And when I think of trying to hold on….to keep holding on…
I can’t hold on any longer.
Not by myself.

I really can’t.
I need a person.
I need glue.
I need a reason.

I don’t need a thousand reasons.

A thousand reasons have never done me any good, anyway.

I just want one.

You might be saying “Bambi, get help, go to a doctor.”
Well I did that.
But you know when you’re broke, and you’re out of money, the state of California does not work very quickly.

In fact, I’m sure plenty of people have died while waiting for healthcare from our state.
This makes me sad to think about.
I’m waiting.
But pills aren’t the answer.
Pills aren’t a reason.
Pills aren’t a person who loves you, or needs you, or wants you.

I did some research on the brain.
Depression.
Whatever.
My “limbic system tends to overheat.”
They say you can cool down your head by thinking happy thoughts….
Which I fucking try.
Of course.
But then you get real.
And it all comes down to what you have, right now, in this very moment.
As of this moment, I am trying to get sleep to go from one job to the next, with no days off….and I barely have enough cash to fill my gas tank…and all I can think is, “I have no life right now, but in Nevada, at least I had money.”

My BFF tells me, ah yes, this is how most people live. Paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by. This is much of America right now.

But…a lot of America has people who care about them to come home to. Right now I don’t. If I had that, I could keep my shitty job(s), I could handle being poor, I could handle a lot.

I would get my whole fucking life,
My whole fucking planet in order, for just one person.
Unfortunately, IIIIII am not that person.
I want that person to be someone else.

They say, “Bambi, what do YOU WANT? You have to do what YOU want.”
OH FUCK THAT BULLSHIT.
That “do shit for YOU” is Generation “Y”, neo-feminist, “me generation” bullshit!
It’s bullshit and you know it!

My generation who has been told to do things for ourselves is the most depressed generation thats happened in a long fucking time, because doing things only for ourselves is not how we’re meant to live!

So you can take the “me” attitude and shove it up your ass, fuckers.
I’ll take my sharing, my sense of family, and my “put other people first” values and I will keep them because in the long run, this “ME ME ME” attitude, won’t do SHIT for things like

Making your house a HOME
Making your children happy
Making a significant other happy, etc etc etc.

I figure I’m going to spend more of my years on this earth shared with others,
so this whole “put myself first” thing, is fucking useless.

Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, I’m not saying I deny the sense of self.
Obviously take care of your health and your sanity.
I do shit for me every fucking day.
I put on lip gloss.
If you know how often I put on lip gloss, you know deep down, I’m a selfish bitch.

But, I’m looking for life beyond lip gloss and the other trivialities of this world.
I do my art out of my love for others.
Because giving to others makes me feel good, because seeing people happy makes me happy.

So…that’s my schpeel for the night.
It sucks when you change everything for someone, and changing everything isn’t enough.

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One Response to “No Courage for me.”

  1. Neo_Anderson69 May 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    I agree with u, I do not want to be here either on this planet! I also agree with u The world is not safe.Hasn’t been safe since the 50’s when all a person had 2 think about was what 2 do on the weekends.Like your situation Most of the people whom I thought were my friends, weren’t (which I have none).The ones I DO care to see, do not care to see me either. Like you I need a person.I need glue.I need a reason to go on.It’s like there is nothing in this world that fills the void of lonliness.Whatever life I had is all behind me & I can’t see any future for me.I guess the only reason we as humans are on earth is Too Love.Love is the only thing that can put the spark back into life, so I can live out my days happier than they are right now.And your right pills aren’t the answer.Even though Depression is a real medical condition that cannot be willed or wished away
    All I can think to do is sleep my life away & let the world go on without me.The only thing that would bring me back from the Brink, is to love again, or a woman to share whatver my life experiences have shown me!

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