Pussy Ointment and Other Meanderings

7 Sep

I’ve been working my ass off since the beginning of last month. I have only taken a couple of days off, because I reallyreallyreallyreally want to save a LOT LOT LOT of money.

It’s great, because I did this little trick.

I wrote a number (in dollars) that I thought I should earn on a piece of paper.

I glued this piece of paper to my ceiling fan.

When the ceiling fan is off, I can look at that number.

As of today, I have earned that dollar amount…meaning, I have it in my bank account….AND I’ve treated myself to some pricey treats.

Workaholic I may be….but I have never been so proud.

With that said….I filled up my old client book….the one that I kept the names of clients in, and how much they paid.

I got a new composition notebook and instead of putting a name by a client…I just put the dollar amount they paid. Each dollar amount signifies a client.

I’m approaching client #100 since I have been here last month….which I”m sure is a personal record of some kind. I had 14 clients in one very busy weekend, wearing one amazing new dress…but mainly, I’ve been incredibly consistent.

With sexual gymnastics comes drawbacks:

Pain.

Fucking pain.

Or I should say, pain from fucking.

Countless times my co-workers have asked me,

“Don’t you use lube?” 

I answer, “YES, yes I do use lube.”

“Are you allergic to latex?” they ask.

“I am sensitive, so yes, I use non latex condoms.” 

“Do you use astroglide?” They want to know.

“Yes I have tried that, and I have tried other stuff  too.” 

It seems no matter how much lube one uses…what it boils down to is that I specialize in “short parties” (of the “Wham Bam Thank You Mam” nature) and the body is simply not equipped for such rapid and vigorous sexual olympics.

Combine this with the fact that some dicks are big…

and I am…well…SMALL….and you have a problem.

I have been known to seal up a small tear once with superglue.

Except this time I had a new kind of pain….like the “oh my god I have to stop fucking you because I am going to cry.”  kind of pain.

For occasions like this, I bought a “pocket pussy.”

It’s 8 bucks on amazon.com, and it saved my ass two nights ago.

I asked to take the next night off, so my vag could heal.

No problem, says management.

Still, I find myself googling message boards full of advice for what girls do when they suffer from vaginal tearing.

MD’s recommend neosporin, crisco, diaper rash ointment…all kinds of stuff.

So of course…OF COURSE…I went to the store…and promptly picked up the following:

-KY liquibeads (they cost 13 bucks you assholes!)

-Glycerin free astroglide (in case I have a glycerin sensitivity…the liquibeads have glycerin. WHATEVER.)

– Diaper rash ointment

– Crisco (yes…crisco…I know it’s not condom compatible…its for night time.)

– Ribbed condoms because they supposedly “hurt less”

– Cinnamon Toast Crunch (that’s for my mouf. Om Nom Nom)

Anyway…..I’m hoping this loving cocktail of “leave the vag alone, soak in epsom salts, apply ridiculous amounts of foreign substances.” will leave my pussy in pristine condition for the next five days of sexual olympics I have left.

If I ever manage to find a perfect combo, maybe I will make my own “Pussy Ointment” and whores around the world will rejoice, buy my goo, and I will grow rich.

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