Mockery Glossary: The Babe’s List of Brothel Terminology

27 Oct

To amuse and entertain you….here we go:

Lineup = When all of the ladies on shift line up and introduce themselves, and you pick one to go have prices with.
Solicitation = Talking prices in the bar or parlor. This is ILLEGAL in the State of Nevada – ladies can only discuss prices in private.
The Madam = Typically refers to the head mistress, the lady who runs the brothel.
The Manager = This is different from the mistress – many brothels have different managers for different shifts.
Prosti-dude =  A legal male prostitute. As of 2011 – there is only one male prostitute working in the State of Nevada.
Negotiation Room = A room in a brothel specifically designed for talking prices with a client. Prices must be spoken about in private.
Whiskey Dick = When a guy drinks too much whiskey or hard alcohol, his dick tends to get soft and sometimes he’ll be too flacid to cum. Hence the term, Whiskey Dick.
“No Cum is Guaranteed!” = This phrase means that if you HAVE whiskey dick, its not a ladies’ fault that you are too drunk to maintain an erection or get all the men in your boat to swim into her canal.
Two Cums = For you rare breed of men who can have sex and get hard again without the lengthy recharge time, you may  be able to have ‘Two cums” during your party. This means that once you cum, you do NOT keep fucking the girl when there is semen in that condom. You tell her when you’re done, she takes the condom off, cleans you up, puts on a fresh condom, and THEN you can  go again. Most commonly used in a sentence: “Do I get two cums?”
Baby Wipes = A staple of any working ladies kit of supplies. They are usually soaked with rubbing alcohol and are used to inspect you during your D.C., They are also used after sex to clean up all that lube and sanitize.
A Shower = Something you should take right before you get to a brothel, but will likely have to do again once you get there anyway.
Showers are Mandatory =  “Mandatory” means its the rules, god-dammit, and you aren’t getting out of cleaning up your dirty self, Pigpen.  However to ME it means that I tend to skip them a lot, in favor of “going green” (aka making more money in less time since 95% of you already showered before you got here, and Americans shower all the time)
Garlic & Onions = Something you should avoid eating before you go to a brothel, out of common courtesy.
Bidet = Pronounced – bid-ayy. Its not something you should try to pee in. Ever. its a sink the europeans oh-so-clevelrly invented, and placed at the crotch level, so you can easily wash your man and lady bits before and after intercourse. So convenient.
Smegma = This refers to you uncircumcised men who haven’t figured out how to pull your foreskin back and clean the nasty dick cheese that encircles the base of your penis. If your mom or dad didn’t show you how to pull back your foreskin to properly clean your junk every day, they have epic failed at parenting you, and ladies will be merciless about making sure you learn. It typically happens that ethnic males are the worst offenders of the Smegma. Yes, if you are a fresh off the 24-hour flight Indian from India, we are talking to you – its not racist, its just a statistical observation.
D.C. = Refers to a Dick Check. This happens after you pay a lady the money, before you have sex. Working ladies are trained to inspect your nether regions for bumps, open sores, creepy crawlies…anything that looks like an STD. She may also check your mouth for herpes outbreaks if kissing is involved. Be prepared to explain all strange bumps that are not STDs… the scar you have from the  time you caught your penis in your zipper when you were 7. If you have any open sores, no sex for you! This will likely mean that instead, you’ll only be able to jack yourself off, while the lady pleasures herself from a safe distance from any flying jiz.
“Party” = paying to have sex with a lady
“A Kelly” = this refers to a gentleman that came in a cab. It means that in addition to a lady forking over 50% of whatever you pay her to the house, she will also fork over another 20% to your goddamn cab driver, for taking you to her, which leaves her earning a measly THIRTY PERCENT wof whatever you pay her. If you’re going to ride in a cab, be prepared to be generous, because no matter how much you pay her, when she only gets 30% of whatever you spend, she will always, always feel cheated.
“Did you drive yourself?” = This means a girl is verifying that you did not, in fact, come in a cab, which leaves the earnings split at a solid 50/50
Two Girl Party = paying to have sex, blowjobs, or some variation thereof with two ladies!
Half & Half = Blowjob & Sex. Start off with the blowjob, get you going, move onto sex at the proper time. Its not mathematically a 50/50 kind of activity split. It varies from girl to girl.
Straight Lay = Just sex, typically in one position, with no blowjob. Some girls think that when you’re a cheap bastard, it means you should only get sex in one position. I however find this boring and/or tiring and prefer to mix it up.
“GFE” = Stands for Girlfriend Experience. This is when you pay a girl a much more generous sum for her to be your girlfriend for the night. Or overnight, the weekend, or a week. If you’ve got the money, you can make it happen. The best GFE parties include things like outdates and taking a lady shopping to buy cool stuff. AND leaving Pussy Prison! Thats what it means for her. For you, it means extended conversation, cuddling, and kissing.
Pussy Prison: This is the term we use to joking refer to any brothel that is a lockdown house.
Lockdown House: A brothel that does not let you come and go as you please because they are (likely) paranoid that you will “steal the clients and start seeing them on the outside.” Or turn a trick into your boyfriend.  During your first two weeks or so in a brothel, even a house that is NOT a lockdown house, will require that you stay in the house and not go anywhere for two fucking weeks. If you need to run errands, you can go with the driver, who works with the house. If you have your own car there and you’re lucky you can establish enough trust with a house to do things like run errands when you want, or go to Del Taco whenever  you crave it.
PSE = This stands for “Porn Star Experience”, which means fucking a lady in a brothel the same way guys fuck girls in all the pornos you watch. Contrary to popular belief, sex in real life does not necessarily go like this. Not every woman’s pussy can take a pounding. If you are there to pound a pussy, you should be prepared to compensate a lady generously for it. No matter how “Porn Star Experience” you want to get though, its unlikely you’ll be cumming in her face or anywhere with open mucous membranes, as that leads to STDs. STDs are bad, mmmkay?
Pussy Made of Steel = For a woman to say “I don’t have a pussy made of steel!” – it means she’s human and sensitive like a delicate flower, and can’t handle her lady bits being beaten into a bloody pulp by the incessant ramming of your cock into her vagina. Did you know that if you ram her too hard, you can bruise her cervix, cause miniature tears inside her vaginal walls (which are extremely painful), and can bruise her pubic bones? Like the Tenacious-D song says, “Fuck her gently.” 
“Beating off too much” = When you beat off too vigourously and are used to getting off from the kung-fu grip and super-speed rhythm of your own hand, it can cause certain problems, such as insensitivity….thus making you unable to orgasm via the natural sensations of intercourse. Try cutting back on your right hand man, or learning to masturbate with a lighter touch, and this problem should improve. Not every woman likes a marathon man. At some point, it just makes your dick raw, and her pussy sore. Ease up, pronto.
Pocket Pussy = A fake vagina, which may be used on you in the event that you feel like trying something different.
“Be Gentle” = This is a nice way of saying “Stop biting my nipples so hard, you asshole.”
Strap-on = usually refers to a girl wearing a strap-on dildo and fucking you (the male client) in the bum.
Hot Tub Party = Most brothels have a hot tub. If you spend enough for a hot tub party, you relax in a hot tub first. No sex happens in the water, because that’s not sanitary. Foreplay however in the hot tub, is acceptable.
Couples Parties = Refers to a guy/girl couple who bring a working lady into the equation. Not every working lady is comfortable working with couples. If you are going to do a couples party, discuss it thoroughly with your partner and make sure BOTH OF YOU really, really want to be there!
Dildo show = If you aren’t comfortable having sex in a brothel, or if its a bachelor party,you can pay to have two chicks get naked and fuck eachother with dildos. It’s totally fun, and guilt free.
Bachelor Party = In a brothel, this means that ALL OF YOU should have sex, not just the bachelor.
Divorce Party = forget your ex! Spend your money celebrating with us instead!
Out-Date = The process of going through the house/brothel to take a girl on a regular date. Prepare to show your ID, provide details of what hotel or casino you will be at, and perhaps your license plate number. No sex can happen outside of the house because that’s technically illegal. Having sex before or after your date in the brothel, however, is okay.
American Express = A credit cards most brothels don’t take, because they are mormon, and don’t like brothels. Phooey.
BBBJ = This refers to a bareback blowjob, aka, a blowjob without a condom. Its ILLEGAL to do this in a brothel. Everything ladies do in a brothel is with condoms, including blowjobs.
Anal = Something that MAY BE ILLEGAL at a brothel, depending on which brothel you go to. For Anal sex to be legal in a brothel, the entire brothel must test for weekly STD’s not only vaginally, but also anally. (No pun intended) Not every girl does it, and anal usually has a heftier price tag. Be warned.
Titty Fuck = When a girl pushes her boobs together and you fuck her between her boobs. Some girls will do it, some  girls won’t. If you dare ask to do it without a condom, she’ll probably say no, because she doesn’t want you to mess up her makeup. Avoid cumming on her face and you might have a chance. Make sure you bring up cumming in her face beforehand. It’s kind of a fetish thing.
Foot Job: Another popular fetish. Stick the soles of your feet to the sides of a penis like a fleshy hot dog bun, and work that wiener, girrrrllll.
Dom Party = This refers to domination. aka S & M. Whips, chains, you are the sub, she is the dom. If she is the sub, and you want to restrain and/or inflict pain on her, chances are another lady will have to accompany her for her own safety during your party. If you enjoy things like balloon popping, getting demeaned, having your testicles trampled on with a stiletto, or cleaning the base of a toilet with a dirty toothbrush and then liicking her feet afterwards and parading around in a dog collar while she drags you with a leash on all fours, then….a dom party is for you!
Bondage = Getting tied up with official restraints where you really can’t untie yourself. Think sailor nots wth rope, and legitimate handcuffs.
Bondage Light = this refers to beginner’s bondage – aka being tied up  and/or blindfolded with strips of fabric or scarves.
Trick Fuck = if you’re REALLY drunk, you might just be sticking your penis between a girls tiightly clenched  together thighs, thinking its in her pussy, yet not even realizing that it isn’t. That’s when you’ve been trick fucked. When you don’t even know that your dick is not in her pussy.
Coke = I hope you’re referring to the soda, because if you’re asking about doing a line of that white stuff in her company, you’ll probably get thrown out. By the way, if you snort too much cocaine you can’t maintain an erection very well, and you talk so much that it gets annoying, even though you think you sound really cool. So why would you want to come to a brothel coked out, anyways?
A Shot of Petron = If a girl wants to ass rape you before she has sex with you, she will do so by ordering the most expensive shot in the bar, which is usually a shot of Petron. Way to go, champ.
Stage Fee = At some brothels if you want a girl to get on stage, you have to pay her a certain fee to get on stage, and then tip her additional tips, on top of that. Keep in mind pole dancing is the most physically exerting thing a lady will do all day outside of riding you reverse cowgirl style.
Reverse Cowgirl = When a girl is on top of you, but instead of facing you, she turns around the other way, so you get a supreme view of her ass while she’s having sex with you. An Ass lover’s dream come true.
Dirty Hustling = When one working lady barges in and tries to “steal” another lady’s trick. Typical etiquette is that one working lady cannot talk to a gentleman if said gentleman is talking to a working lady already. The 2nd lady may only speak to the gentleman if she has been personally addressed or the gentleman has requested that she come speak with him, or share a drink with him.

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