Where is Bambi? The Last 6 months, abridged.

2 Oct

You may be wondering what happened to me.

You may be wondering where I went.

I have not been to a brothel since about Thanksgiving of last year.

Having worked nearly the entire summer with a mere 10 days off the whole summer…when winter came, the season slowed, and I bowed out with money in my pocket to complete some goals I had, and I met someone.

You may be wondering what kind of person I met.

I met lots of people.

First I met a Lawyer. Who is a friend of a friend. “Friend” if you catch my drift. Lawyer friend owns many properties and is a very reputable business man. He wanted to hire me as his assistant and secretary type, but I convinced him that this was not the best use of my time. Instead he paid me a nice stack of bennies…unbeknownst to the guy I had started seeing right about the time I came home….and this tied me over for a month.

After that, the holidays came.

I went all out buying presents for my family for christmas, only to find that they did not buy me many presents in return, and I was slightly bitter about this, as I had put a lot of thought into the darn thing. I cried on Christmas like a little kid and asked my mom if we could not do Christmasses any more.

On New years, my time was divided between time with the lawyer, and time with the new guy I met.

I dated that guy for roughly six months. During which time I smoked more marijuana than I ever have in my entire life.

I think I’ve been more of a hermit since the summer started than I ever have, really.

Living back with my family, the house is emptier than usual as more people moved out, and new people moved in. I’ve been staying on target as much as I can with the things that matter, and I’ve made friends with people who tell me that I “don’t need to go back there.” and I’ve made friends or…more than friends…with some people who have no idea of my past at all, so its hardly a topic of conversation.

I actually got told by a couple friends that I shouldn’t feel like I “need to dress so slutty” which is weird because in my real life, nobody has ever said I’ve dressed slutty, ever.

It dawned on me though, that this california summer is so hot, that when I get hot enough, I’ve apparently smoothed over that whole self consciousness barrier that tells me I should give a fuck as to whether or not I’m nearly naked in front of others, and I do whats comfortable, which is…apparently more naked than it was before I started this business.

I have a pile of my possessions waiting for me in Nevada and I’ve wondered….why haven’t I gone back there.

Why not go back there.

Except, sometimes I just think….well…maybe its a cycle I can break, if I make myself break it.

Yet this other half of me….I think about it in my sleep you know, where I will visit with old friends from the industry, and I will dream about what its like to have money. I’ve dreamed of raining dollar bills. I’ve dreamed of the security guards I used to pal around with….I’ll dream of simply sitting with them, talking with them, catching up.

I dreamed of one of the madams. That I ran into her a few weeks ago, and it was slightly pleasant, and she was somehwhat happy to see me…..

AND THEN I THINK OF HOW MUCH MONEY I MADE, and how I accomplished absolutely nothing with it.

Like, you think, ok…a certain amount of money can buy me these sorts of opportunities or create these certain kind of experiences that I wish to have – but in reality, that money…and the knowledge that I had the money, and OTHER people’s knowledge that not only did I have money, but I desired to part with it…you know what that did?

It just made me attract a bunch of messy asshole types who sort….made a whole lot of NOTHING happen, with all that money.

And now that I actually have nothing, everything is happening.

Things are happening that I have dreamed about happening for a long time and its really strange to be doing something that isn’t sex…something related to a lifelong dream, and to be in that moment and say “this is how I imagined it starting….I wonder what’s next?”

If I go back though- I already know whats next: That same up and down cycle that happened before, where my dreams got put on a back burner, and I thought money was the missing link, when really it wasn’t….living in the moment was what was missing, and now I guess I’ve found it – and there’s lots of good things I would like to tell you about, but then you would know who I was.

Until then….I’ll see you on the other side.


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