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This research makes me horny.

2 Nov


My “Sexploration Adventures” begin again today.
Guided by a friend who recommended some under cover types of houses where women work and miraculously, there are not pimps, the house does not take 50% of whatever you make, and you can still fuck men.

We stood in the doorway, my friend and I, debating on whether or not we should pay money so I could get in to see the first place. First a security guard took me around and showed me all the private rooms.

The first thing I noticed was the quality of the male clientele in the place.

No. Wait.
Actually the first thing I noticed was the girl standing COMPLETELY NAKED in the off-stage area, talking to a gentleman like it was nothing.

At my work, we aren’t allowed to prance around naked and give guys a free show.
I was majorly majorly distracted for like five minutes seeing a naked chick randomly walking around.

Once the security guard completed his tour with me, my friend coughed up the late nite admission fee and we checked out all of the rooms.

Stages that lift from the floor!
Two girls getting naked and touching each other!
I notice – these girls are really not giving these guys a very good “show” , but its still got…and I fucking admit it:

I’m turned on.
Probably because I have an active imagination.

We watch the entirety of the 3 song two girl show, the stage lowers back onto the floor, and the girls start wandering off for private shows.

I’m thinking I’ve had about all I can handle, but my friend wants to make sure I see EVERY ROOM IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDING.

And rooms this building has!
It’s like a sex funhouse!
A sex carnival!
The potential for guy/girl entertainment in this place is endless.

You can put money into a machine and watch a girl through a window.
You can put money into another slot and a girl can give you a blowjob.
You can sit around a round table while you fuck a girl with a dildo, and everyone watches.

Its voyeurism at its finest.
The girls here are beautiful too.
Perfect bodies. I mean perfect.
Pretty faces too.

When I’ve sexually had all I can handle…
oh no, my friend is not finished with giving me a tour of this unnamed city.
“Lets go!” he says, as we walk down the street to yet another one of these off-the-wall gentleman type clubs.

I get a free tour (beautiful!) from the manager because a place is hiring.
The manager has to tend to some things in the front of the building, and sits me down in a chair and says “Wait here while I take care of things, just a couple of minutes.”

I get treated to a free show watching a platinum blonde prance delicately around a pole on this giant stage while she slowly gets naked.

Of course I do not mind the wait.

All and all, I have to say this was a fun, fun tour.
I want to take Katrina here to see these theaters.
A show with the two of us would put every other girls show to shame.

The Power Of Touch – Q & A with my bodyguard.

28 Oct

Q and A With THE  BABE

My body guard wants to know:
Q: “Do you think your former job has changed your view of physical contact and its expectations?”

Answer: it depends on whether I have the “hooker switch” flipped on. I’m so much better now at telling when a guy is sexually interested or aroused that “hanging out” in real life situations (at a bar, for example) can now make me very uncomfortable, if I allow it to.

Reason being, when men have nowhere to vent this uncomfortable energy, it’s much more awkward in a bar than in a brothel.

Unlike in a brothel, we can’t run down the hall to fuck.

No matter how much they say they “don’t want to”, they do, but they “don’t.” because they have “morals.” You see this catch-22 here? In brothels people process their lack of morals via having sex. In the real world, we don’t have this blessing.

When the expectation is,  “I can’t touch you, you can’t touch me” –  you end up with a lot more anger/pent up frustration than you have in a place where people can fuck freely, and immediately.

Then there is the juxtaposition of how I feel because of the imposed morals of the real world. I realize half of what I feel in wanting to touch someone is not what I actually FEEL, but what years of bibles and TV shows have made me guilty for feeling.

What the “outside world” has made me feel in regards to touch (and a lot of things), is a whole lot more conflict.

Its very exhausting:
I do (want to fuck)
But I don’t (because that would make me a ho)
but a bigger party of me simply doesn’t care
(sex is sex, I’m still a ho at heart, etc.)

I think I am a lot more capable of thinking of sex like a man.
Perhaps even more capable at it than some men are.

I see men in my life getting all emotionally open, then the subsequent fear, and the subsequent detachment.

The fear of getting hurt. See, I KNOW that when we have sex, they will love me.  They will be my biggest fan. We will be each other’s heroes. I know by merely the electricity in touching their hand that the rest of it is going to be great. Its magnetics. Touch can tell you so much.

Yet – I lack expectations.
They have a level of expectations I don’t have.
Post job, I sense this more than ever.

I can see that when I try to touch them.

Then I think,“Aww, what’s wrong? Lets go! Lets party!” But…so many men are hesitant to disconnect their brains to their bodies for the sake of doing what is a physically healthy thing to engage in.

I think the physical touch would be healthier for their spirit than sitting around and talking.

I would be less likely to abuse the power of touch, because in my business, I have been taught not to take physical touch for more than what it is.

You might wonder how its different at my old job.
Brothels have such a clear boundary line. We don’t engage in intimate touching that “real couples” engage in:
Such as….

The touching of the face.
The kiss on the lips.
Your fingernails down somebody’s arm.
Stroking somebody’s hair.
When people are only there for the sex, these physical connects are rarely made.

You then start to realize that it is THIS KIND OF TOUCHING where true bonds are formed.
Hands. Hair. Eyes. Mouths. Scalp.
Soft, slow, sensual, and sweet.

The way my views about physical touch have changed is that I know how essential it is to a loving monogamous relationship, and how much I miss it.

Its a crime when somebody you love does not want to be hugged or held.

It breaks me up inside.

In fact, it’s breaking me up right now, bodyguard, as I write this. You know with who.  Oh bodyguard. You know everything. Why can’t things be different?

P.S. My bodyguard also wants to know if dudes pay extra to squirt .
Yes they do, but I don’t squirt….so…darnit.

Apparently squirting is up to 80% urine. Ewwwwww.

How to drop the L-Bomb: A partier’s guide

25 Oct

We use the L Word (L-O-V-E) in my industry more frequently than most. You have to be able to give and receive love in this business in order to survive. We’re able to use the L Word without fucking with someone’s head. In real life, this isn’t always the case. Guys have a tendency to drop the L-Bomb in the wrong way, at the wrong time.

Here’s how to do it right if you know how to party. Proper emphasis and word order included.

How to drop the L-Bomb, Proper:
Step up to the plate when you’re both fully clothed, you’re both sober, and surprise that ho: A straight “I love you.” will do.

How to Drop the L-Bomb While Drunk at a Bar or Party:
An “I fucking love you.” while drunk is a nice warmup, for those of you who need “training wheels” when dropping the L word.
You can also tell a 3rd person in front of her, “I fucking LOVE this girl.”

How to Drop The L-Bomb in The Bedroom:
The only time the L word should be used in the bedroom initially is when you say emphatically in the heat of the moment, “I LOVE fucking you.” , “I LOVE having sex with you”, “I LOVE when you suck my dick like that” , and “I LOVE X position.”

Never say I love you (to her face!) for the first time in the bedroom. You may think its romantic to look in her eyes and whisper it while you’re naked during your post-coital “intimate moment”, but any smart girl knows its a cheap card a guy can pull so he can keep getting laid. Such bullshit reminds her of being on the job.

There’s ways of letting her know you feel good while avoiding the L-word: Just say, “That feels good.” Duh.

But don’t USE THE FUCKING L-WORD unless its a drunk all-out sweaty sex party, and wildly proclaim, “I LOVE FUCKING YOU!” This is the ONLY time its appropriate. Can’t stress this enough.

How to keep a Ho – A Complete Guide (Part 2 of the weekend Trifecta.)

23 Oct

NOTE: This is post 2 out of 3 in the Whore Holy Grail…..Brothel Babe’s Trifecta, the Weekend Edition. Tomorrow I’m talking about the L-Bomb.  Just to let you know, I have been stalked by my adoring fans all weekend. In addition to all of the attention making me want to curl up in a ball and vomit, its also making me stick to my guns with my “weekend trifecta” plan.  And to the douche who told me he didn’t believe that I was ever real whore and I write fiction….I’m going to SCAN A COPY of my whore license and SCAN COPIES of my whore paperwork, and UPLOAD my PHOTOS of me in my HO OUTFITS,  just to shut your mouth.

Ok, I’m done.

I’m going to go buy the Wristcutters: A Love Story DVD now. Happy Sunday.

THE HUMOROUS SIDE:

– A gifting of Bad Taste Bears are acceptable. (Pictured above.)

– Soft stubble is acceptable and trimmed pubes over shaven. Just sayin.

-Open two way discussion of chicks you think are hot. One straight man crush is also acceptable.

-Never playing the victim, the lonely card, the pity card, or the nice guy card, EVER. The best game is No Game. JUST BE YOU.

– An admitted love of porn. Having a favorite Gods Girl or Suicide Girl Model is fucking rad. If your favorite porno girl has fake tits, lets hope her doc did a good job.
(If her boobs look like they could be popped with a pin, that is not a “good job.” )

– Hi Tech non-latex condoms such as Lifestyles Skyns –OR– (see below)

– A fucking glowing copy of your STD blood test results, pasted on your fridge to prove you tested clean. Bring it to your 3rd date if you are feeling ballsy.

– Judd Apatow films

-Dirty hop hop, Salt N’ Pepa, ghetto or 90s booty music, of any kind, to be shared when the proper occasion arrives. The proper occasion to bust out such jams is in
your living room. This kind of music makes a Ho feel nostalgic.

– Some goddamn confidence! If you are awesome at something, boast that shit.

– Be able to share at least ONE crazy sex story in detail without naming names. Its Aural Sex: The secret to getting below a Ho’s waist can be through her ears.

-Easy with the nipples. You can fuck her hard, but don’t go hard on the nipples. If you do, a flood of nipple trauma memories will come flooding to her brain. Be gentle, and this won’t happen.

– Whisper her name. She’s probably used to hearing a different name at work. Use her real name, and you’ll remind her where she is. It will make her happy.

-Make a special sexy music mix that is reflective of your personality. Men with unique tastes are sexy….don’t be afraid to sprinkle the mix with some of your favorite “Guilty Pleasure” music.

-Be able to talk openly and honestly about ONE girl from your past. We don’t need (or want!) the whole history book. Ho’s hear about women from a man’s past all the time. Your ability to talk candidly about one woman you loved greatly shows much about a man’s character.

– NEVER call her by her Ho name.

– Do not suggest pimp n’ ho costumes for Halloween

– To be a good Pimp, a good Pimp will never lend out his favorite Ho. You can share her on a non-sexual level, but always ask.

– NEVER look in her eyes longingly while saying in an iffy tone, “I think I’m falling for you.” while glancing back to see if she returns the favor. It’s a pussy move only attempted by weaklings.

A confident man knows his Ho loves him, without having to ask for her approval.

She’s seen this a jillion times before. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a wimp, or a guy who plays strong but suddenly gets wimpy about his love for a real woman.

How To Lose a Ho in 10 Dates or Less

23 Oct

1. Send her love songs via email and say, “Here, this song that talks about Cocaine reminds me of you.”
2. Begin a sentence with the following three words: “We’re meant to…
3. Flowers, teddybears, or chocolates
4. Talk about marriage (gag me.)
5. Take being a gentleman seriously
6. Testicle Stubble
7. Stubble in general
8. Magnum condoms on your dresser
9. Introduce her to your friends but give some convoluted back story on how you two met
10. Ask, “So, how much?”

Sex on the Rag….learn our secrets!

18 Oct

I keep forgetting to post this due to its inherent “ick” factor…

But in case you were wondering how we had sex when we are on the rag, I will tell you a sacred whore/brothel secret (Ok maybe porn stars do it too, I don’t know.):

To have sex on our periods, tampons go bye bye, and we stick cosmetic sponges up our hoo-hahs.
You can buy these at any local Wal-Mart, CVS, etc.

Some girls prefer the round ones, like so:


I prefer to use two triangular wedges like so:

When they come out of the package like wedges they are stuck together by twos.
I find using two of these teeny ones is better than the round flat ones.
I wouldn’t really know how to get a round one out.
You can get a round one out…..but I feel like the shape of the two wedgie ones stuck together is better than one flat one.

So….yeah.
You stick a couple up there as if it were a tampon…
and a guy can plow the shit out of you, and you won’t feel a thing.
Ok maybe you will feel it a little, but the guy won’t know its there,
and you don’t have that whole issue of a bloody massacre below the waist.

You can leave the sponges in for a few hours if you need to…
then of course comes the challenge of trying to pull the fuckers out.
Yea, you will spend a couple minutes in the bathroom being curious if a sponge will get lost up your vag
wondering if you have to go to the emergency room.
This will happen the first time.
You will fear it getting “lost” up there.
This is normal.

If you use two wedges stuck together like I do,
You will, on occasion, only pull out one sponge and be like, “GOD NO ,I’ve lost the other one in the abyss!”
But, you’ll be fine.

WORST CASE SCENARIO,
you can always go in the bathtub.
Once those sponges get completely soaked with water, they come out easily.

There HAVE been horror stories of one girl having to help another girl get a sponge out.

And there was of course one time when a girl got a sponge lodged up there and
had this gnarly smell happening for days, and she didn’t know what it was…
and it wasn’t until she went to the doctor that she had discovered she had a sponge up there for about one month.
Yes. That is true.
Don’t be that girl who ges a sponge wedged up there for that long.
Keep a note to yourself if you have to.

I hear that in Amsterdam you can just BUY these sponges with a string already attached.
I thought about getting friendly with some dental floss and a needle and thread and attaching my own strings to these sponges,
but I am not that motivated.

OK guys!
You can write and thank me about how I greatly improved your se life while your GF is on the rag! YEAHHHHHHH!!!!

Dear gentleman I went on a date with

12 Oct

Dear real life gentleman I went on a date with,

You know about the job I have had for the past year.
You know I fake orgasms when I get paid to do so.
In the last year or so, I’ve hit on approximately four hundred men.
I’ve slept with less than 250 but more than 100. (This is a rough estimate.)
I’ve walked down the halls with a handful of Benjamins, trying to contain my glee.
I’ve been slipped 20 dollar increments every five minutes underneath a bar, just to talk to a guy who thinks I’m too good for this business.
I gave my first and last lap dance where I got turned on by a girl.
I’ve had a dick in my mouth, and a dick below my waist at the same time…and realized that threesomes with guys take too much work.
I had my first and only lesbian experience to date. Which was also a threesome…and I realized…I don’t like crazy old lesbians.

I’ve been asked “Would you like a drink?” at least 300 times, and probably 99 of those times I have taken up the offer for a drink….and instead of getting a real alcoholic beverage, I’ve ordered fake wine, only to feign drunkenness.

I’ve been tested for STDs at least 42 times. As of three weeks ago, I can assure you that I had none, and likely still have none. I have the paperwork from Planned Parenthood to prove it.

Of all the men I’ve slept with in the last year, the most memorable one was a cab driver who I fucked on his birthday…or maybe it was the French man who I told “kissing me involves paying me double.” So he believed it, paid me double, and I was thrilled.

There was also the guy who just won at gambling, and right before Thanksgiving last year, when I had barely made any money the whole weekend, he came in.

I made more money in two hours than I had made any weekend before or since that time. He gave me something to truly be thankful for: The ability to enjoy my Thanksgiving without worrying about money.

The biggest crush I’ve had in the last year is the fellow who came in to my work who I recognized from real life.
We don’t know where our paths crossed at one point, but I genuinely liked this guy, and genuinely was interested.

Our first date was going to the brothel next door.
I sat with this young guy for hours hoping he would pay for sex.

He never did.

The security guard then told me that in real life, men are always the ones who ask the women out, so when they come to a brothel, they want a woman who takes charge. In a brothel, they want it the other way around.

Hearing him say “guys are the ones to be the dominant ones” came as a surprise to me, because I couldn’t remember the last time outside of a brothel I experienced it like that.

In my real life, I’m always the one taking charge.
Of the conquests I have had in real life, it’s been because I was the one to show some interest. Maybe they showed interest at first, but I removed all traces of doubt.

And now……NOW….I’m trying to do things differently.
I’m trying NOT to be the girl that unhooks the belt and undoes the all-too-difficult Levi’s button.
I’m trying NOT to be the first one who lets my hands foray below the waist.

I’m trying not to be a whore, and it is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.

The fact that I turned down your offer to go to your house when I was too drunk to drive was a goddamn miracle.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve turned down sex (or the potential for sex), except with the guy who has the giant creepy mustache.

So I’m handing the torch over to you, dear gentleman.

Please be the whore first and save me from miles of agony.

If you will unbutton the first button, deal with the unruly jeans, unclasp the first hook, and give me the experience of what it feels like to be a normal girl,
YOU WILL BE MY HERO.

I might hate attempting to be normal….
but dammit….you can’t blame me for wanting to try.

Sincerely,
Brothel Babe

YES! YES! Q & A with Brothel Babe!

2 Oct

Since so many of my beloved fans have these questions, I am going to put them in here for you! Special thanks to my Adorable and wonderful friend who helped me write these questions!!!!! I am the CHIEF!

1. Do you get turned on by some of the guys you bang?
Yes! Of course. It’s one of the coolest parts of the business. The most surprising thing is the stuff that turns you on that you would not expect would turn you on.

2. Do you fake orgasms?
I never fake an orgasm but I will moan louder for theatrics and when a guy’s time is ending. Maybe I will whisper his name in his ear if the clock is about up, or if I really like the guy.

3. Do you actually orgasm with guys that pay you?
Yes. Yes. Yes!!! No really, I do. Sometimes I try not to, and it happens anyway. And you’re like, “awww, crap. I came even when I didn’t try.”

4. What does the excel spreadsheet look like for a Brothel? How does the pay structure work out?

Well, everything is split 50/50. I get half of whatever you pay me. Unless I’m dishonest and lie about what you pay me, or I keep extra tips. I also get rent taken out which is 30 bucks a day or 45ish bucks a day at nicer places. Then I go to the doc which can be anywhere from 65 bucks a week to 120 bucks a week. Depending on where you are.

5. Are you Always Honest?
95% of the time. The only time I am less than honest is if we get into a party that is above 30 minutes and I will fudge by max of 15 minutes, only because a guy will finish earlier than that or he is a particular heckler about time and he thinks that he will actually need as much time as he says. But if you’re at the 10 minute party range, I am honest to every guy about 10 minutes. Unless I really really need to make my rent, I’ll be like “sure, 15 minutes” and put 8 on the clock, and he’s usually finished in 5 anyhow.

6. Are you honest about the money you make behind closed doors?
When I first started, I’d pocket hundred dollar sums, 3 hundred dollar sums, extra sums like you wouldn’t believe. For some reason, I stopped doing that…I guess for fear of getting caught…..I have a story on that later.

I am guessing a fair percentage of your clients are married men? What is the common reason you find the married ones seeking your services? For the simple reason that sleeping with the same gal for many years gets boring. Most of the clients I deal with don’t want an emotional connection. They just wanna bone. But there is more money in the guys who say, have been depressed and haven’t had sex with a real girl in like, 10 years. Most of the married men love their wives but don’t want to have a messy affair. I applaud them for their wisdom!

General maintenance on your appearance can mean the difference between making the dollar or watching your colleague make the dollar. What do you employ in order to keep yourself competitive?

Well, early in the game I have heard that one of my colleagues took notes on the dates she made the most money what she did with her hair and makeup, and what outfits she wore, so she would have things down to a science. I have played around and done the same thing.

I watched one of the most popular brothel girls at a brothel down south and studied what she wore. This girl got picked out of nearly EVERY lineup. Now that I’ve studied some of her techniques, I get picked the most up north! Cool!

Here’s what it might take:
1. Impeccable skin care routine – I use a clarisonic skin brush. Keeps my skin pretty clear.
2. I have taken accutane in my time in low doses – helps also.
3. Teeth whitening – I get the same stuff my dentist gets on ebay for 20 bucks. Keeps my teeth sparkly.
4. Staying OUT of the sun. Guys like the pale, and they like soft skin.
5. Not overprocessing my hair – soft hair, guys dig soft hair.
6. Teasing the hair – just big enought to be slightly messy and playboy style. But freshly showered and blowdried straight works great too. I don’t mess with my hair like a lot of girls. I keep it down, I keep it simple. Maybe adorn with a few diamond bobby pins.
7. Spending a lot of time doing my makeup and retouching it often. Most girls kinda fall short on the makeup. They look tired after a few days of work because of deep under eye circles. I keep that shit in check!
8. Fitness – I work out more than most girls. Which most girls chew me out for. But when it IS busy, I get most of the clients, because I have one of the leaner/better bodies in the house.
9. Spending a lot on a couple choice outfits – a bikini or two which I nickname the “Money-kini”
I wince at how much this stuff costs….but, hey….it pays for itself! You can also take bikinis to a stripper store and have them make modifications to make your bikini look more stripper like. It works.

Of course there is other stuff you can go to your doctor for, but that costs a lot.
The above is basic stuff that I really think does the job – it’s all about how much time you spend in the mirror each nite before work.

This is for all the guys in the world who are dying to know the truth!!!
What is small, average, big and then huge with regard to the size of ones member?!
And have you personally experienced them all?

Small is when I have gone to my GF and said “I dont know that the condom will even stay on, what do I do?” Believe me tho – I have been surprised by the teeny peeny’s that are “growers” rather than “show-ers.”

But the real teeny peenies are the ones that are maybe ohh… about 1.25 inches while not erect and then erect are maybe 3 – 3.5 inches..and to use your hands on them you just use two fingers. You have to use a “Snugger fits” condom on these guys. When its in, you wonder if its in. You wonder if they feel anything. If you made a mistake and put a normal size condom on it, it will make a rippling sound.

The average dicks…these are maybe 3-ish inches not erect, and 5ish inches while erect.
A lot of mexican dudes have wangs this size.

The medium large guys are the ones that are maybe your typical white guy size….maybe like 6 or 7 inches when erect.

Of course there are the long guys.
Black guys tend to have long skinny wangs
On occasion I’ve met some kinda ethnic fellow who has a longer skinnier wang.
Rare to meet a caucasian dude who has a skinny wang .

I’m not sure about the black guys having bigger wangs myth.
I have dealt with maybe 3 black guys ever and they have all had “comfortably large” wangs.
Nobody I have boned has had an “uncomfortably large” wang except for maybe 1 or 2 dudes ever.

And NOBODY has ever had a dick so big where I was like “wow. Porn star.” Never seen a porn star dick, and I think its because there is a Ho-god who loves me and wants my small pussy to remain undamaged!
There is one guy who is a regular down south and when I heard from another girl that he had a big dick, I stayed away.

Actually, I stay away from any guy where other girls tell me he has a big dick.
I don’t want to hurt after.
I am small.
I don’t need puncture wounds in my spleen, thanks.

Creepy Mustache Dude Strikes again!

22 Sep

The Creepy Giant Mustache dude came back for me. He brought more money this time, and I tried to avoid him, and they tried to call my room to find me but I was in another girls room. They wanted to know “Why won’t you talk to this guy?” and I said, “I will NOT BONE THE GUY WITH THE CREEPY MUSTACHE. NO WAY.” They laughed. They told me to at least talk to him. We went back and forth for 10 minutes about how he doesn’t have money. I figure anybody who can psuedo-stalk me at two brothels, and try to talk to me to book on 3 different occasions…is the type of guy who can save up money to see yours truly. I was thinking I should ask him to shave the mustache and then I would cut him a deal, but I don’t know. At least I got treated with more respect this time than I did last time. He says he will never bug me again, but somehow I have a feeling he will be back.

Boffs of the week – Friday night special!!!!

21 Sep

It’s been a while since I’ve had this section, but here we go!!! This is not the boffs of the week!

These were all the boffs I got in a 24 hour period! YES….I was the most requested lady of the night! I am moving up in ho-land.

Mr. Airplane Man
This guy was in town for the air races, and he is an airplane mechanic for a living. A geeky sort of fellow with a few extra pounds, a tucked in plaid shirt and jeans, the bulk of our time was spent AFTER the sex, chilling naked, talking about his job. He fixes vintage airplanes. In the first 30 seconds of talking to him, you can tell he’s passionate about his work. Seeing his face light up to talk about the work that goes into fixing airplanes…I can’t help asking him more questions! I learned about why they use bolts instead of welding. I learned that its difficult to find vintage airplane parts and sometimes you have to make them from scratch. I learned that some of the best engine builders in the world don’t know how to turn on their own engines or fly the planes that use them. And I learned that a hot-headed woman can get herself killed in an airplane by being overly confident. This guy started off a plump geek, but after he talked about his job, I swear to you from the neck up he was sexier than Denzel Washington. I’ve never seen anybody talk about their work with such joy since my father’s glory days. Thank you, Mr. Airplane Man.

Mr. Baseball
He came in one day with his friend because he gets PAID to play SOFTBALL for the indian reservations. Can you believe they do that? He didn’t have enough money to have fun with me on the first day, so he said, “I will be back tomorrow.” ll of us ho’s know that the likelihood of a guy coming back the next day is slim to none. Not only did this guy come back, he waited at least an hour while I was busy with other clients. He said “I was dreaming about you all night.” He meant it too. He told me he had suffered some loss and a failed marriage and hadn’t been able to get off for ages. BUT HE DID WITH THE BABE! He said, “It’s a miracle! I almost want to cry. Thank you.”

Birthday Boy
Oh, Birthday Boy, coming in for your Birthday sex. You were cute and I wanted to give you a good deal because it was your Birthday. I wish I had known in advance your dick was rather large and curved…we’re talking a curve that falls somewhere between the letter “C” and a Parenthesis symbol. You fucked like a rabbit, your C-dick kept unhooking itself from my va-jay-jay. No amount of weird sideways fucking or strange angles could make your c-shaped dick less painful. You fucked the crap outta me…and the look of horror on your face when I had to tell you your time was up and my pussy was out of commission…made me smirk. You wanted to pay me extra money, but no amount of extra money could make the uncomfortable C-dick worth it. So I left you there on my bed in a sex crazed daze, naked….you didn’t even bother to take the condom off when I grabbed Katrina and brought her back to my room to help you make your glorious finish. Never have I run so fast to escape the pain of a dick. I’ve never seen somebody wimper like a little kid over the thought of my va-jay-jay having to go “byebye.” Finally, I’ve met somebody who gets more emotional than me at the thought of losing a really good lay. BRAVO, Birthday Boy!

Cattleman Jim
I recognized you in your sunglasses. You didn’t recognize me in my glasses. I love the way you whisper every time that on top of whatever you will pay me you say, “plus a tip!” in a dirty tennessee drawl. I also love the way you tell me “you’re a dream.” You are the finest southern gentleman client I’ve ever had. And you’re here for a while. See you again soon.

Next Saturday David
You picked me out of a lineup and I realized when you got to my room that your shirt and clothes were dirty, and you looked poor. Amazingly, you pulled out enough money to party with yours truly. Even the security guard said, “I’m surprised that boy had enough money!” What the FUCK is up with you mexicans not wanting to take off your shoes these days? I made you take yours of. You are incredibly skinny and I notice that your waist is smaller than the waist of the skinniest girl in our house. The girl who just lost 18 lbs of muscle because she was on bed rest for 3 months after an injury on the stripper pole. So our skinniest girl is really skinny right now, and David, you are skinnier than her. I”m glad I got you to remove all your clothes, but not your wooden Rosary. I was surprised when you motioned for me to come your way an hour or so later because you wanted to fuck, AGAIN! And I had to have another girl get your friend to translate “HOW DO YOU SAY SORE IN SPANISH!?” So you would understand that I was out of commission and could not take any more clients for the evening. “I come back next Saturday!” you said. “Bring more money so you can party longer!” I said. Lets hope you’ll be back .

Honorable Mention:

GIANT MUSTACHE MAN
OHHHH…Giant mustache man. You keep picking me out of lineup. You have picked me out of this house in the north. You picked me out of a lineup of 20 plus women at a ranch down south. You find me wherever I work, and always pick me, but you never have enough money to party with Brothel Babe. You want to know why? It’s because of your GIANT, CREEPY FUCKING MUSTACHE. I have never seen a mustache SO GIANT in my life, and I am disarmed by its very presence. The amount of hair in this mustache has got to be equivalent to all of the mustaches in Cowboy cinema. It’s creepy like an evildoers mustache, except it does not curl up at the ends. It lays there, like a giant goddamn caterpillar…with two smaller caterpillars on your face for eyebrows…on a bald headed canvas. I will never fuck you. Ever. No money is enough for the trauma I would have to endure for seeing your mustache up close and personal. When you pulled me closer to you in the parlor and said, “Hey, I will lick your pussy good” – that finalized how creepy you really are. YOUR MUSTACHE PROBABLY HAS STD’s. Sorry Mustache Man, we will never be together.